tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88069972569809878952024-03-20T06:18:57.127-04:00On the Way to Brighter DaysGinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.comBlogger49125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-87313453917817979952009-07-19T18:05:00.003-04:002009-07-19T18:12:25.244-04:00Newborn-Morgan TaylorOur friends Leslie and Jody are having a baby. Leslie was due on August 9th. They had the floors done in their house and we had them stay with us. She was due in three weeks, her baby shower was yesterday. We went to bed on Friday night at about 1AM. At about 2AM, I was woken up by a strange man walking into our bedroom who looked like he was going to strangle me. I screamed quite loud until I figured out that it was Jody. He was there to tell us that Leslie's water had broken and that they were going to the hospital, but couldn't lock our door. It was really quite a funny situation. I thought that it wasn't her water really breaking, well sure enough, it really was and she delivered a healthy baby girl on July 18th, the day of her baby shower. She was three weeks early.<br /><br />Today John and I went to the hospital to see them. I cried in the car on the way there, and I cried when we got there. We stayed for a while, and I thought about Lia Rose much of the time that I was there. I kept it together, and then, I did something I was not sure if I would be able to do. I held Morgan Taylor, all 6 lbs 12 oz. of her and thought, this should have been me last month. I cried, but through those tears I once again could see the beauty of the moment. It was a difficult thing for me to do, but I did it. Morgan is beautiful, and I feel that longing to have a baby of my own to hold. The sheer joy on Leslie and Jody's faces is amazing. I cannot wait to be there. I want to be a mother to a child on this earth. I know that Lia Rose would want that too.<br /><br />I am proud of myself. I suppose it is another step in the healing process. Jody and Leslie were great too. I think that they understood how difficult it was for me even just to be there. I didn't even know if I could really do it until I walked into that room.Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-56168392835059157622009-07-12T20:50:00.004-04:002009-07-12T20:55:51.287-04:00BabiesThis weekend I went to the Great South Bay Music Festival. It was a great time, good music and good people. I did run into some friends, but the significant one is a friend of mine that goes back to kindergarten. He is a kind soul and so is his wife. The part that was tough was that his wife was pregnant when I was pregnant, she actually had the same due date that I did. She had the baby on May 29th, a little boy. I saw him this weekend and it was tough. I just kept thinking to myself, that is what Lia would have looked like. That is how tiny her feet and hands would be. He was adorable and I did better than I thought that I would. She was so sensitive to me and tried to stay back with the baby. I told her that I was really ok. I almost asked to hold him, but I didn't know if I could.<br /><br />It was in a way nice to see what Lia could have looked like, and what size she might have been.Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-15073828059849702892009-06-21T18:36:00.002-04:002009-06-21T18:49:30.617-04:00Gifts from aboveToday, Father's day, was tough. I feel so sad and heartbroken for John. We went out to breakfast this morning, stopped to pick up roses and then in the drizzly rain, drive to the cemetery. We went to visit Lia Rose, but also John's dad who is buried in the same cemetery. From his dad you can see where Lia is and and from Lia you can see where his dad is. It is the reason why we picked her spot there.<br /><br />John placed a dozen orange roses at her tiny grave. He took some pictures of the marker and of the roses at the marker with his phone. While we were in the car he just said, "I should be holding my baby girl and asking my dad for help, but instead I am visiting my baby girl and my dad at the cemetery." All I could think was that this was so unfair.<br /><br />John is my strength, he is my rock. Today I tried to be his. I hope that I did a good job and I don't know if I did, but I hope so. He has gotten me through the darkest and most difficult of days, through the tears that seemed endless. His arms tightly wrapped around me feels like the safest place in the world. I cannot thank him enough for all that he has done. Father's day is a difficult day when you are missing your dad and your child.<br /><br />Now, on to the gifts from above. I find coins, mostly pennies, everywhere. I have a jar that I put it all in. Today, I was thinking that it would be really nice to find one and then there in the parking lot of Home Depot in the parking spot next to us was a penny. I picked it up got in the car and showed John saying, "She is thinking about us." We were then on our way to walk around the outlets near our house for a little.<br /><br />We walked around for a bit and we were walking near the fountain. I turned to John and said, "Maybe I should make a wish with Lia's penny from today."<br /><br />John said, "No, you always save them, I think you should save it."<br /><br />No sooner did he say that when he looked down and said, "But why don't you use that Penny?" <br /><br />I looked down and next to where we were standing at the fountain there was a penny. I picked it up, looked at John and said, "I think we should make a wish."<br /><br />He agreed, as he held my hand and said, "Let's both wish for the same thing, but not tell each other."<br /><br />I smiled at him knowing exactly what he was thinking...I hope pennies from heaven can grant wishes. We could use a rainbow.Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-51148828493080896402009-06-20T16:41:00.003-04:002009-06-20T16:51:35.283-04:00So sweetToday I have been thinking about Father's Day very much. I am sad for John, who should have been a dad at this point, celebrating his first Father's Day with his beautiful baby girl. Instead we are celebrating Father's Day quietly at my parents house with no baby girl. It makes me so sad to think about it. It is yet another "hump" that we have to get over. I am hopeful that next Father's Day there will be something to celebrate. <br /><br />This morning John and I were talking in bed about some of the things that need to get done in the house. <br /><br />He said, "I should really finish Lia's room." <br /><br />My eyes welled up with tears, not because I was so sad, but that he referred to the baby's room as Lia's room. <br /><br />He apologized for saying it, but I simply told him, "It is Lia's room until it isn't. Maybe she is in there playing in the rafters."<br /><br />John said, "Well then I really should finish it, I bet she would like it."<br /><br />I simply smiled at him and said, "I bet she would."<br /><br />It is her room right now. The room is gutted and I look in it and think of all these different things, but mostly I look in it and I think of her. I think of how excited we were and all the plans that we had. That room got put on hold, and that is ok. We will probably start it up again soon. It may be therapeutic for us to work on it. We'll do everything except paint. That will wait until there is another one on the way. Hopefully that will be soon too.Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-89800433784277255832009-06-14T07:28:00.005-04:002009-06-14T07:38:56.818-04:00Mother's Day/Father's Day MassA co-worker of mine gave me a flyer from her church bulletin the week Lia was due. It was for a Mother's Day/Father's Day mass specifically for parents who have lost a child at any age from early miscarriage til adulthood. John and I decided that we would go. I cried through much of the mass, but they were good tears.<br /><br />The mass was very touching and the priests homily was as well. He spoke about pictures and remembering. How the pictures can bring back the memories in an instant, but also you remember just at that spot. It is very true. I can look at our picture of Lia Rose and so many memories come flashing back into my head. The awful memory of the moment that I lost her. The memory of holding her in our arms. Memories of the excitement about going to see the sonogram pictures and memories of being excited about what the future held. I will always have those memories, some good, some bad, but I do not want to forget.<br /><br />The mass continued and they sang some of the songs that they usually sing at masses when someone has passed. Those songs always get to me. They also gave single long stems roses to everyone that was there as a remembrance. It was just a touching mass all around. <br /><br />After the mass they had refreshments in the parish center. We went and signed their mailing list so we could get notified of other such events as it isn't our parish, but a nearby one. As we were sitting the priest who said mass came over and introduced himself. We got to tell him our story and I appreciated that he listened. He acknowledged the fact that I was pretty far along and for that I was grateful. Many people don't even think about it. We told him that we do have pictures and he asked how the hospital was. He heard our whole story, slightly abbreviated while he sat and spoke to us. It felt good to talk about it to him. I think that John and I will make this a tradition.Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-9090543822174212302009-06-12T16:29:00.003-04:002009-06-12T16:38:23.752-04:00So much to say...Today was the last day at school with the students. The next two weeks they have finals and regents exams. I got to spend the day without a voice. Ironically being the speech-language pathologist. I am anxious for this school year to be completely done. I need a change of pace, something different. I feel burnt out this year. I made a decision that next year I am taking care of me. I am not doing any extra-curricular activities and I will stay for events only if I want to. I am not going to feel pressured into doing anything. I need to do this for me. I am hoping that I will be pregnant and I don't need the added stress either.<br /><br />As far as that goes...I am not pregnant yet, which is good because apparently although my doctor said we could start trying, he didn't want me pregnant yet. Now it is really official, so last month I suppose was just practice. His advice was great, he said, almost word for word. Don't worry (to which I laughed at) You need to have sex like you did when you first met, the best babies are conceived after a bottle of champagne in a hot tub. Seriously, go to Meehan's have a few drinks, go home and have sex. See you in three months or your first pre-natal visit. I hope it is the later. <br /><br />I had to cancel my appointment with my therapist yesterday because I was sick. I didn't want to get her sick seeing as she has an infant at home. It was my first session since she has come back from her leave. So, my big question is...How do you not worry? I am a worrier by nature. I worry about lots of things, but I try to balance the worry. That is what I am going to do now. I just don't know how to do it. I like to know things and have information. I feel well equipped with information. I know that there aren't exact answers to any of this, but if there were just some things I could know it would help. <br /><br />The weather continues to be horrible as well, but my newest thought on that is...<br /><br />You need to have the rain in order to have the rainbows. I am just hoping that there is a really big rainbow after all this. I could use that right now...Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-53416852612918430012009-06-07T19:52:00.003-04:002009-06-07T20:03:43.072-04:00It is posted a little late....Today (June 4th) is the day that Lia Rose should have entered the world. Well according to the charts in the doctor’s office. Unfortunately she entered the world 5 months earlier on January 2, 2009. I am so far doing better than I thought today. I had some people remember what today was this morning and gave me big hugs. I didn’t completely breakdown! That was what happened on Monday and Tuesday. Today I am trying to look to the future. I am trying to be positive. Will there be tears? I am sure that is inevitable, but I will not wallow in my grief. I will try to be positive today. This won’t get posted until later so I suppose I can let you know how I do.<br /><br />Yesterday I came home with an incredible tension headache. I got home around 7:00 ate dinner and by 7:30 I was probably sleeping. Muscle relaxers and Advil can do the trick. I slept pretty much straight through and boy did I need it. My head is on the verge of hurting today, but I am almost willing it not to. <br />I came home to a nice surprise though. It made me laugh and cry all at the same time. I got a package from my best friend Lisa. In that package were random things that made me smile and some to make me cry, but not those sad tears of grief. They are the tears that come when someone does something that touches you deep within your soul. The kind of tears that help to clean out those sad feelings and the kind that help you to heal. In that package was a book, a DVD and chocolate a funny sign and a card with a heartfelt note, (that was the first thing that made me cry). That package also contained something very special. In a little gold box, the box itself is perfect, with a butterfly and a rose on it, was a gold ring with a rose. This box and ring belonged to Lisa’s grandmother who recently passed away. She said that she saw it and knew that I should have it. It is something that I will cherish forever. The ring is several sizes too big for me, but I love it any way. The thoughtfulness of that gesture warms me through. Most people are truly amazing! The miles may separate Lisa and I, the whole country between us, but I know that in our hearts we are right next to each other. Helping each other through the crumby times in life and there for the happy ones. <br /><br />I am a strong person! I will get through today! I will get through the week, the month, the year! It will not be without help though. I can get frustrated because so often people do not understand, but those that do have truly helped me. I can do this! I will do this! I have to do this! There is no place to go but forward. I hope that the future holds wonderful and good things. I hope that I will be blessed shortly with a son or daughter, a brother or sister for Lia Rose. I hope that I will continue to find joy in the small things and continue to see Lia in the beauty and wonder of the world. <br /><br />(I did do just fine...I had my moments, but I managed through them. I am a better person because of it.)Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-83726039067884548142009-06-05T08:29:00.005-04:002009-06-05T08:44:06.159-04:00Rainbows and Clovers<span style="font-size:100%;">
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mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">What a week so far!</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I think this will be broken down into more than one post.</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">This week was the first week in June, the week that my baby girl Lia Rose was due.</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The last sonogram I had of her on January 1, 2009 gave her due date as June 1</span><sup style="font-family: georgia;">st</sup><span style="font-family: georgia;">.</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The doctors gave a due date of June 4</span><sup style="font-family: georgia;">th</sup><span style="font-family: georgia;">.</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Needless to say it has been a difficult and trying week.</span></span> <p style="font-family: georgia;font-family:georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p><p style="font-family: georgia;font-family:georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">June 1<sup>st</sup> was a difficult day all around.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">I couldn’t concentrate at work.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">I just wanted to be surrounded with the things that I love and wished I was not at work.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Thankfully the people that I was with were great and two of them have been through similar experiences with a late loss.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">That has proven incredibly helpful.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">It is refreshing to see people who have overcome and have children and have been in a similar situation.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">The grief is overwhelming sometimes and then sometimes there is something happens that can make me smile through the tears.</span></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;font-family:georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">June 2<sup>nd</sup> was possibly more difficult than June 1<sup>st</sup>.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">An unwanted monthly visitor decided to show up.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">We are trying so I was really hoping for something to look forward to.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">This was not the month though.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Maybe I needed to get through this part without being pregnant again.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Maybe it is so that I can look at the next pregnancy and not think about the fact that I found out the week Lia should have been due.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">I can make up all sorts of reasons, I am sure I could come up with something for every month.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Now all I can say is maybe next month.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Back to WAITING and you know how I feel about that right now.</span></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;font-family:georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">June 2<sup>nd</sup> did have some smile through the tears moments.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">I had a terrible day at work.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">I decided that I was not pretending to be ok.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">When someone asked, “Are you OK?”</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">I politely said, “NO, I should have been due this week.”</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">I had to, I couldn’t make it through unless I could speak those words, at least that it what it felt like.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">My principal saw me and popped into my room and was so supportive and wonderful.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">That truly helps to make it easier.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">I don’t feel the pressures of the work day and know if I need a</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">break, I can take it.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Oh…but the smile through the tears moments…let me get to those.</span></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I was walking in from work, my eyes welled with tears, searching for my keys.</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I looked down and spotted a patch of clovers and right there staring at me was one with 4 leaves.</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I picked it up and smiled at the heavens through my tears and thanked my little angel.</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I then taped it and put it in a journal of randomness that I am keeping.</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">That evening John and I had tickets for a </span><a style="font-family: georgia;" href="http://www.glidemagazine.com/hiddentrack/phish-jones-beach-setlist-night-1/">Phish concert</a><span style="font-family: georgia;">.</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">We are going to three shows this week.</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Anyway, the concert was at </span><a style="font-family: georgia;" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Nikon_at_Jones_Beach_Theater.jpg">Jones Beach Theater</a><span style="font-family: georgia;">, seeing as we love the beach it is a great atmosphere for us.</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">It had rained pretty heavily prior to us arriving and as we were sitting in our seats I watched two rainbows surface in the sky.</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I pointed them out to John and said, “I think that it is Lia Rose shining down on us, letting us know that everything is going to be ok.”</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">John agreed!</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">It is amazing how you can turn these things into something with so much meaning.</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I now see Lia Rose in all the beauty and wonder of the world.</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I think that is a blessing</span></span>.</p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4zD5y4OZmPyyV4q7LtBaQj6WuoUwIdII4UxJPmCPWPKHeWvRTlflKpc1RhYvbVNP16re0LCag5MhyG85hyphenhyphenxvWhwAX9KVlPfvmDmOWXaH6P4SQPejAxv3nJn7_ciBGAB6GC7Q3JQbSMYeT/s1600-h/rainbow.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 256px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4zD5y4OZmPyyV4q7LtBaQj6WuoUwIdII4UxJPmCPWPKHeWvRTlflKpc1RhYvbVNP16re0LCag5MhyG85hyphenhyphenxvWhwAX9KVlPfvmDmOWXaH6P4SQPejAxv3nJn7_ciBGAB6GC7Q3JQbSMYeT/s320/rainbow.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5343822079593777202" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The Phish concert was great.</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I had my moments of teary eyes, but it was so good to just get lost in music.</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">To let go and just feel music running through my blood.</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">It was a great set and I soaked up all the good energy.</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I am hoping tonight’s show will be even better!</span></span></p> Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-48140409545184298782009-05-27T17:10:00.006-04:002009-05-27T21:20:32.750-04:00car rides and songsThis morning as I was driving into work I had a moment. It really just lasted a little while and then I was pretty good for the rest of the day. When that happens it makes me realize that I really am mostly OK and am able to carry on with my daily life. I get sad and that is the bottom line and it comes from nowhere sometimes and other times there is something that sparks it. Today, something sparked it.<br /><br />I have a pen-pal (now email pal) that I have been writing to since the 3rd grade. We have never met, but we have kept in touch through the years. Sometimes more often and sometimes less often. I had sent her a Christmas card with a note in it that I was expecting and when I was due. After I had the miscarriage I tried to contact her, but she must have changed her e-mail address because it kept getting sent back to me. I heard from her this morning and in her e-mail she congratulated me and said it must be any day now. She was right, it should have been any day now. I wrote her back explaining what happened, it brought back those memories when I was writing it. I suppose that while I was on my way to work I was thinking about how I was going to respond to her. I knew that any response would have made her feel bad, but I had to let her know the situation. It is always awkward to tell someone who doesn't know what happened. It happened a couple of times at work with some people there.<br /><br /><br />When I was almost at work the Jack Johnson song If I could came on. There is a line in the song that states, <span style="font-style: italic;">"They say that new life makes losing life easier to understand."</span> I thought to myself, what if that lost life was a new life? It doesn't make it any easier to understand at all. It is so much more difficult to understand that. Your grieving process is so different. <br /><br />I grieve for my grandmother and think about the things that she wasn't here for, but then she lived her whole life and saw so much. I have memories of her from so many events in my life. When you lose a new life you grieve for what you don't have and the memories that you can't make. I will never get to hear Lia say her first words or take her first steps. I will never see her off on her first day of school. These are memories that I don't have, but I long for them. Yes, there will be other babies, I know this in my heart, but they will not be Lia. I will always know that Lia should have been ______ this year. (Fill in whatever milestone you wish). I also know that if I did not lose Lia, my next child may not be here. It is hard to think about it sometimes. In my day dreams I can picture Lia growing to be a beautiful little girl, but that is not reality. I will never see Lia Rose grow up, again that is a memory that I will never have. I do not get to look back and remember her childhood when I am older. I get to think of all the things that should have been. She cannot be replaced, she will always be my first child.Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-12424859433779202352009-05-26T20:19:00.006-04:002009-05-26T20:26:16.741-04:00RealizationIn looking at the calendar today I came to the realization that according to the signs in my cycle the day that a pregnancy test would most likely come out positive is June 4th. This is the day that Lia Rose should have come into the world. The thing about this date is that it is off from my normal cycle. I knew that it would be close, but I didn't think it would be to the day.<br /><br />I am trying to be optimistically cautious with this as I know it is going to be a difficult week. I do not want to set myself up for disappointment, but how can I help it? It just seems like one big coincidence. Well now I just have to WAIT and see. (ugh---I still hate that word)Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-70956044133394314392009-05-25T15:12:00.006-04:002009-05-31T21:43:39.967-04:00Another great weekend<span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" >The weather this weekend has been perfect, so has the balance of work and play. The best part was that the weekend started for me on Thursday and I only had to work a half day in the afternoon due to the swine flu in one of my buildings.<br /><br />Thursday evening we went to <a href="http://www.cafebuenosaires.net/">Cafe Buenos Aires</a> to celebrate a friend who graduated with her Doctorate. It was a nice relaxing evening with good food and good people. Those are two of my favorite things to be perfectly honest with you. The combination can't be beat. Friday I got to just chill out, do a little shopping and had a lunch date with a friend who I haven't seen in a while. It was nice to be able to chat about what I have been through over the past few months. There were actually some things that I could laugh about and I guess in a way that felt pretty good. I can talk about losing Lia Rose without crying and that feels good too.<br /><br />Saturday was another beautiful day filled with food and friends. We were off to a barbecue and it was delicious. There was a newly pregnant girl there and my friend had warned me. I wasn't sure how I would handle it, but I did just fine. A few sad moments, but I snapped out of them. Later on I had to check with my husband because I didn't think she was so nice and I wanted to make sure that it was the case and it wasn't because she was pregnant. He agreed with me and I felt a little better.<br /><br />Sunday was a day spent wandering around Manhattan and I mean that quite literally since I think that we walked something like 80 city blocks. It was another gorgeous day, we weren't sure because of the threat of thunderstorms, but it couldn't have been any better. We went to a street fair and wandered around <a href="http://www.centralparknyc.org/site/PageServer?pagename=aboutpark_main">Central Park</a> which was a blur of people and activities. We found the <a href="http://www.centralpark.com/pages/attractions/alice-in-wonderland.html">Alice in Wonderland statue</a> which made me smile. I have a picture hugging the Mad Hatter. The architecture and foliage in the bark is truly spectacular. Do you think it is the most famous park?<br /><br />We then got to go the <a href="http://www.guggenheim.org/">Guggenheim</a> for a <a href="http://www.delmars.com/wright/index.html">Frank Lloyd Wright</a> exhibit which was very cool seeing as he designed that Museum. His work was so ahead of his time and much of what was on display in this exhibit was never built or destroyed. John is very interested in his work and designs. Lunch was at a little Greek place that we found on Columbus Avenue called <a href="http://www.kefirestaurant.com/">Kefi</a>,we were starving, but the food was wonderful. Then it was the long walk back to the car. My legs ached, but it was that good kind of ache that makes you feel like you accomplished something great.<br /><br />Monday was the catch up day...Laundry...cleaning...shopping, but we did have a great breakfast at Maureen's Kitchen in Smithtown. Yummy...I feel good having accomplished a ton of stuff in the house and outside as well.<br /><br />Long weekends like this make me not want to work at all. There are 14 days left with the students though! That puts a grin on my face. I am hoping for another week with more good moments than bad moments. I really do feel that Lia Rose would have come to the world this upcoming week and that she wasn't waiting for her due date so these next few weeks are bittersweet. I do have lots of fun stuff going on though...That helps.<br /><br />Again I start the week feeling refreshed and renewed. I like to start it on a high note this way it takes a lot to bring me all the way down. I hope that I stay up, but time will tell on that one. I am sure that there will be moments.</span>Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-8321217248649002302009-05-22T06:10:00.013-04:002009-05-22T07:51:43.750-04:00Not so SadI made it through this week much better than the last. I guess starting the week in a temper tantrum on the night of Mother's day really throws off the whole week. This week I managed to get through with a couple of tears and many more smiles. It feels good to feel at least a little happy. The weather has been great which I really believe has been helping tremendously.<br /><br />John and I started last weekend with a nice dinner at one of our favorite places, but we don't go too often. It is called <a href="http://lucysbistro.com/">Lucy's</a> and it is delicious. It is a quaint little place in the Town of Babylon. Another reason I like it is because my grandmother was named Lucy. It was so nice to be out to dinner and relaxing in decent weather and it was the start of what was going to be a very nice weekend and week.<br /><br />Saturday we planted Lia's weeping cherry tree. We dug up the spot where we were adding to the tree and it looks beautiful. We will be adding a few more plants to that area, but I am not sure what yet. It is nice to look out of the window and see something so pretty. It was purchased with a gift card from some of my co-workers from one of my buildings and I think that it is perfect.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHZxc3JE2fzLkOi5PKIkOtnCwk85YkPnswRm93AoXOvueDZbpqGfjwVqaOMUC8TUBqesPKV3w3cNNJrYawVzrJ5dHsRCWCw9QE4Cl78lrG3r7PTNbKO0xjyTljxrS0QcLRzp7kd7XEonO9/s1600-h/Spring+2009+060a.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 189px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHZxc3JE2fzLkOi5PKIkOtnCwk85YkPnswRm93AoXOvueDZbpqGfjwVqaOMUC8TUBqesPKV3w3cNNJrYawVzrJ5dHsRCWCw9QE4Cl78lrG3r7PTNbKO0xjyTljxrS0QcLRzp7kd7XEonO9/s320/Spring+2009+060a.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5338612637020078786" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Sunday was a get dirty outside day because we planted a good part of our vegetable garden. It wasn't the nicest day, but it felt good to be digging in the earth. Now we get to watch our seedlings and seeds hopefully grow and produce lots of good food to eat. We did well last year, and this year we planted a bigger variety. Now we have to WAIT! Again, with waiting. It is a word that I am really disliking more and more. Trying to be patient is difficult.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnf7e_KUPdMY5lzNIIUC0tPaKORkZQr9siILU9E75sYlGpOEbddoadbIDB3-UZE9udc1ApabgcAxcjNI7hZ4NwYDgnkU5hSWHJM9a71csk_WIBfJwOyvl2XW_-2Hu-zo-jtKk2WyWG-APv/s1600-h/Spring+2009+057.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnf7e_KUPdMY5lzNIIUC0tPaKORkZQr9siILU9E75sYlGpOEbddoadbIDB3-UZE9udc1ApabgcAxcjNI7hZ4NwYDgnkU5hSWHJM9a71csk_WIBfJwOyvl2XW_-2Hu-zo-jtKk2WyWG-APv/s320/Spring+2009+057.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5338613098780492690" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />I got through the work week pretty well too. One of my buildings was closed on Wednesday and Thursday because of, as the kids say <a href="http://www.news12.com/articleDetail.jsp?articleId=230349&position=4&news_type=news">"the swine."</a> I had a swine flu vacation day on Wednesday and only had to go for a half day yesterday and now it is a four day weekend. My parents and I went to the beach and it was so refreshing. It is my favorite place and one of the reasons I don't want to leave Long Island.<br /><br />I am feeling hopeful this week. We are trying again and that is one less thing that I have to wait for now. I am hopeful that we will be sent a brother or sister for Lia Rose very soon. Maybe I am too hopeful, but I need to have that hope. It is the hope that keeps me going everyday. Lia should have been born the first week in June (June 4th was her due date). I think she was coming in May. She is my angel now and I know that she is always with her mom and dad.<br /><br />(on a side note, I haven't played around with adding links or pictures too much, I hope that it works)Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-40281580141521777312009-05-17T19:40:00.003-04:002009-05-28T05:44:56.297-04:00DifficultI am having a tough few weeks. With all the progress and all the forward motion I have made I feel like I have taken several steps back. I suppose there has still been forward motion though. Again, three steps forward one step back. I would like to get off the roller coaster ride of emotions that I have been on. I’d like the roller coaster to stop in happy oblivion land, but I know that it not possible. I am not sure that I will be in happy oblivion land anymore. I can no longer be in a “happy oblivion.” It was taken away from me early in the AM of January 2, 2009. I knew that the next few weeks would be difficult, but I guess I was not prepared for how difficult they would be. I just feel sad lately. I don’t necessarily want to feel sad, but I am not sure how to “un-sad” myself. I am hoping for a refresh this weekend, maybe that is what I need. Last weekend ended with Mother’s Day and a meltdown for me on Sunday night. It wasn’t so refreshing after that. Maybe this weekend will be different.<br /><br /><br /><br />I have been thinking about what should have been coming 3 weeks from Thursday(officially) and being hopeful about what will be. How do you balance it all? There is just so much on my mind. I am trying to relax about it, but I don’t think that I was relaxed about anything the first time. How can I be relaxed about it now?<br /><br />People forget, people don’t realize that every day is still hard for me. Their lives go on as usual, but mine is forever changed by what has happened. I am so grateful for the people who do remember and who, although have never been in my shoes seem to understand. Many people forget. That is something that is difficult for me.<br /><br />I know there is hope inside somewhere because I can see myself as a parent, but right now that seems like the distant future. It feels like a child playing the mother. Will it happen? When will it happen? Will I have to wait a long time? I want a family. I want a brother or sister for Lia Rose. I want to feel the joy of having a child and not the pain of losing one. Is it so much to ask for? I don’t think that it is.Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-37264284500296280542009-05-11T16:10:00.005-04:002009-05-11T18:52:47.729-04:00The "first" Mother's Day<meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CGrande%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><link rel="themeData" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CGrande%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_themedata.thmx"><link rel="colorSchemeMapping" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CGrande%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_colorschememapping.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> 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mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">I did it!<span style=""> </span>I made it through my “first” mother’s day.<span style=""> </span>I say that it is my first because I am a mother.<span style=""> </span>I have a child who is buried in a cemetery near my house.<span style=""> </span>Her name is Lia Rose Grande.<span style=""> </span>She was born and sent to heaven on January 2, 2009.<span style=""> </span>Does this make me any less of a mother?<span style=""> </span>I gave birth to a baby, a perfect little baby, who was not strong enough or big enough to survive in this world.<span style=""> </span>I did one of the hardest things a mother will have to do, which is lose a child.<span style=""> </span>I held that perfect little baby and fell in love, a love that was so strong that it truly amazes me.<span style=""> </span>And then I think….</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">In Sunday Mass yesterday during the Ave Maria, I cried.<span style=""> </span>I cried for my daughter, I cried for my husband, I cried for me.<span style=""> </span>I also thought what a paradox.<span style=""> </span>My daughter could have been born any day now, instead we are trying again.<span style=""> </span>The other paradox is that right now, birth to me is not associated with new life, it is associated with loss.<span style=""> </span>The innocence has been taken away like the ground being pulled from under my feet.<span style=""> </span>Birth and rebirth are all associated with new-life and new beginnings.<span style=""> </span>I could look at it as a new beginning which would be “Life after Lia” but somehow that just doesn’t seem right.<span style=""> </span>I mean it is a different life for me now, but it isn’t a new life.<span style=""> </span>I don’t feel reborn, I feel a bit beaten down.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I talked with my mom yesterday who tries very hard to understand, but really can’t.<span style=""> </span>She has never been in my position.<span style=""> </span>She has never lost a baby.<span style=""> </span>I do my best to explain to her, but it is still tough. <span style=""> </span>I know that she wants to take my pain away, but she can’t.<span style=""> </span>No one can!<span style=""> </span>I don’t want anyone to anyway.<span style=""> </span>It will evolve and one day the pain won’t be so great.<span style=""> </span>My mother told me that next year there will be a sister for Lia Rose.<span style=""> </span>I really want to believe that, but right now I am having a tough time.<span style=""> </span>I am trying to stay so positive, but it is quite difficult.<span style=""> </span>I told my mother that I could just not be sure that would happen.<span style=""> </span>I never had thoughts like that before Lia Rose.<span style=""> </span>Now I just have an endless amount of questions.<span style=""> </span>Will this happen again?<span style=""> </span>Will I be able to conceive?<span style=""> </span>What if I am not able to conceive?<span style=""> </span>Can I go through something like this again? Am I strong enough? These questions never occurred to me before Lia Rose, but they occur to me now in “Life after Lia.”<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Today at our church there is a special mass for couples trying to conceive.<span style=""> </span>It couldn’t have come at a better time since we are starting to try this week.<span style=""> </span>We are going to go.<span style=""> </span>I could use some extra blessings.<span style=""> </span>I just want it to work!</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">PS</p><p class="MsoNormal">I have previously written about pennies from heaven and if I believe in that, then I have to believe that 10$ bills from heaven are even better. My husband and I were in 7-11 yesterday morning getting cups of coffee. He went to pay and when I looked down I saw a bill on the floor. I picked it up and went to hand it to him because I thought he had dropped it. He just looked at me and said, "That was Lia Rose letting you know that she is thinking about you today." I knew at that moment that I really had to try to have a good day. I think all things considered I did ok.
<br /><span style="color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">
<br /></span></p> Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-76929064194124996652009-05-09T18:47:00.005-04:002009-05-11T17:21:13.485-04:00Any other Sunday<span style="font-family:georgia;">Part of me is trying to ignore the fact that tomorrow is Mother's Day, but it is a bit difficult as I have a mother that I will be spending the day with. I would like to stay home and do normal Sunday activities, but instead will be going to not my usual Sunday mass with my Mother-in-Law and we are all going to the vineyards.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">I want to wear a big sign that says, "Don't forget me! I am a mother too! I just don't have my child here. She should have been making my belly nice and big, but she came too soon!" Maybe a sign that says, "Mother to an Angel!" Something anything...</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">I got a card for Mother's day from my Mother-in-Law yesterday. It was like a mass card so there are people praying for me somewhere. All over really she sends us cards like that all the time, but this one made me cry. She acknowledged the fact that I was a mother and that makes me happy. I am not sure who else will and it hurts a little bit.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">I don't think people know what to do for me as far as Mother's day goes. I know what I want is to be thought of as a Mother. I am a Mother. I am a Mother to Lia Rose Grande who was born 22 weeks too soon. I went through labor and delivered her and held her just like any other Mother, but I did not get to come home from the hospital with a baby. I fell in love with my baby girl, who was already an angel. I think that is the most unfair thing! </span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">It is very bitter sweet for me. We are finally able to try again and really she could have been born any day now. My due date was June 4th and then they told me June 1st I was convinced she was coming into this world in May. Unfortunately she came into this world in January.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">What do you say when someone asks, "Are you a Mother?" Do you pick and choose who you tell or do you just keep it to yourself. I don't know...but I am not sure I am prepared to hear those words tomorrow.</span><br /><br /><blockquote style="font-family:courier new;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 51, 255);">With what price we pay for the glory of motherhood. ~Isadora Duncan</span><!--MAC--><br /></blockquote>Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-15864688807194355092009-05-06T17:39:00.001-04:002009-05-11T17:21:49.214-04:00Under The Tree-April<meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CGrande%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><link rel="themeData" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CGrande%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_themedata.thmx"><link rel="colorSchemeMapping" 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Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:10.0pt; margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; font-size:10.0pt; mso-ansi-font-size:10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.0in 1.0in 1.0in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 15.5pt; line-height: 115%; color: rgb(204, 51, 204);">How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 15.5pt; line-height: 115%; color: rgb(54, 95, 145);">I lost Lia Rose on January 2, 2009, so just over four months ago.<span style=""> </span>My grief has definitely changed during this course of time and I am sure that it will continue to change.<span style=""> </span>I lost her at 18 weeks pregnant and at the time I thought that I would never get through a day without crying.<span style=""> </span>Just last week I realized that I had gone five days without shedding a tear, but then have cried pretty much every day since then.<span style=""> </span>I see an evolution to the grief though; it is definitely not as profound as it was when it first happened.<span style=""> </span>About a week after we lost Lia Rose, it was an extremely rainy day.<span style=""> </span>I truly felt like I shed as many inches in tears as it had rained.<span style=""> </span>I just cried all day long.<span style=""> </span>It was cathartic.<span style=""> </span>I think that I needed to do that.<span style=""> </span>It was the only day that I cried like that.<span style=""> </span>I feel like I do really well and then something happens and I hit a brick wall.<span style=""> </span>Taking a few steps backwards from where I was.<span style=""> </span>My due date is coming up on June 4<sup>th</sup> and I feel like getting past that will be a huge milestone in this grieving process.<span style=""> </span>I am anxious because I really do not know at all how I am going to be that week.<span style=""> </span>Sometimes my anticipation is worse than things actually are, but there have been a few times where that is not the case.<span style=""> </span>I do feel as time is going on it isn’t necessarily easier it is just different.<span style=""> </span>It isn’t all consuming like it was at first.<span style=""> </span>I can think about it and be sad for a little, or a while, but generally go back to my day.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 15.5pt; line-height: 115%; color: rgb(204, 51, 204);">How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 15.5pt; line-height: 115%; color: rgb(54, 95, 145);">I see pregnant women all the time.<span style=""> </span>I know about 20 some odd pregnant girls.<span style=""> </span>Many of my friends are currently pregnant.<span style=""> </span>Some have just recently given birth, which has been difficult for me.<span style=""> </span>Some are due after I was.<span style=""> </span>I am a school-based speech pathologist and working in a school I am also always surrounded by a couple of pregnant women.<span style=""> </span>I am not sure what it is or why it is happening, but there are some that I am fine around and others that I have a tough time around.<span style=""> </span>There doesn’t seem to be much rhyme or reason to it.<span style=""> </span>I really can’t explain it.<span style=""> </span>When I see pregnant women out and about often I just think, I wonder if that is what I would have looked like.<span style=""> </span>Some days I handle it fine and some days it sets me off.<span style=""> </span>It is the unpredictableness that makes me crazy.<span style=""> </span>If I knew that something was going to bother me all the time I could handle it, but one time it does, one time it doesn’t.<span style=""> </span>It is just so inconsistent.</span><span style="font-size: 15.5pt; line-height: 115%; color: rgb(204, 51, 204);"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-size: 15.5pt; line-height: 115%; color: rgb(204, 51, 204);">What’s your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 15.5pt; line-height: 115%; color: rgb(54, 95, 145);">My husband and I have actually gone to therapy together and separately.<span style=""> </span>It has been extremely helpful to me to talk to someone who is not involved in the situation and reassure me that I am and we are doing ok.<span style=""> </span>My husband has been extremely supportive through this situation and so have most friends and family.<span style=""> </span>It has helped me to talk about and write about what has happened to me.<span style=""> </span>I reached out to friends when I needed to even if it was on Facebook or an e-mail.<span style=""> </span>I didn’t always want to talk, but I found that chatting with friends was helpful.<span style=""> </span>Talking to people who have had losses has also been helpful to me.<span style=""> </span>In particular, speaking to someone who also had a loss at 18 weeks was an excellent support for me.<span style=""> </span>I have written some poems and participated in the March for Babies through the March of Dimes raising a nice amount of money since I only decided to do it one month before the walk.<span style=""> </span>I didn’t know if I would feel well enough because I had surgery the month before.<span style=""> </span>I am trying to do things that will help me honor and remember our daughter and that really helps.<span style=""> </span>My co-workers got us a gift card to a nursery and we were able to buy a weeping cherry tree to plant in our yard for her.<span style=""> </span>I think they are beautiful and it will always remind me of our angel.</span></p> Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-22711510385642200762009-05-06T17:34:00.002-04:002009-05-06T17:39:19.472-04:00Under the TreeIn searching for stories of women who have gone through similar experiences I came across a few great blogs. One was To Write Their Names in the Sand<a href="http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/"> http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/</a><br />Carly has done an amazing thing. After finding that I found another of her projects Love Reign Over Me which contains a link to Under the Tree. My next posting will be answering the questions from that. <a href="http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/">http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/</a>Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-49453327340602703722009-05-03T16:45:00.003-04:002009-05-03T16:57:26.222-04:00It is a giftI am sitting here thinking that people sometimes are not grateful for what they have. It is so frustrating hearing and seeing people complain about the things that they have. They just don't realize how fortunate they are.<br /><br />My due date is one month from tomorrow. I am sure that if I were pregnant now, I may not be the happiest camper and I would probably be getting pretty nervous, but having been through what I have, I am going to attempt to enjoy my next pregnancy as much as I can. As long as I can get around the being terrified part!<br /><br />It is a gift. So many people do not realize this at all. We have no control over what happens to the life that is growing inside of us. We can do all the right things and be so careful and it still may not work out despite our best efforts. It is truly an amazing gift and I wish that I could have experienced it without losing that innocence and excitement, but that is lost now. I know that I am going to have to remind myself to be happy, not because of anything else except that I will be scared.<br /><br />I can't imagine anything that I want more than to have a family. I would be so thankful if this experience never happened to me again. I would be even more thankful if it never had to happen to anyone. I wish that more people <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.leehansen.com/clipart/Themes/Babies/thumbs/baby-angel-girlth.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 125px; height: 130px;" src="http://www.leehansen.com/clipart/Themes/Babies/thumbs/baby-angel-girlth.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a>could understand even if they have not been there, but it is next to impossible. The feeling is indescribable. There is a piece of me that is with Lia Rose in heaven and I am sure that she has left a piece of her with me.<br /><br />I go forward this month with a heavy heart, but with hope for the future. I know that I can do it as difficult as it may seem. I will get through and be a stronger person for it.Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-71170400988614277762009-05-01T15:47:00.002-04:002009-05-01T15:53:07.192-04:00March for BabiesLast weekend John and I participated in the March of Dimes March for Babies. I decided to do it only a month prior to the walk because a friend of mine had suggested it to me. I signed up and sent out an email to my friends and family. The response was truly overwhelming. Thanks to the generosity of others I was able to raise over 1,100 dollars individually. John signed up a little later than I did as well as another friend. Through the team that we had we were able to raise about 1,600 dollars. <br /><br />It felt so good to do something in memory of Lia Rose, and knowing that the money that we raised will help with the efforts to save babies. Maybe with enough research they will be able to do something about cases such as mine. Like they say "One day all babies will be born healthy." It would be a wonderful thing if that could happen. <br /><br />My brother made t-shirts which came out great. I thought it would be hard to see her little footprint there on the shirt, but somehow it felt good. I know that she was smiling down on us that day some extra smiles, because I am fairly certain that she is always smiling down at us.<br /><br />It was a great day with friends and family and I appreciate all the people who walked. It was a tough day, but I am so glad that I did it.Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-10135235930030330352009-04-24T19:02:00.003-04:002009-04-24T19:15:15.446-04:00Bitter sweet coincidences...I will start with the difficult first. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. I had three friends all give birth to baby girls. I should have been due in about 6 weeks and they were probably the closest to my due date. It was tough. My thought is, "How can you be happy for someone when you are so sad for yourself?" I know that I am happy for my friends, but I can't help wishing that I too was in their shoes, like I should have been in just about 6 weeks from now. I am however kind of glad that they were all on the same day, it made for one really, really tough day as opposed to a few tough days. So to my friends who have given birth...I am so happy for you, but if you saw me I am not sure you would really be convinced. I am pretty sure that my therapist would tell me that it is a perfectly normal way to feel, ironically she is out on maternity leave. So...That was the bitter sweet part because that is just what it is to me. I know that I will be there soon, hopefully very soon, but my friends children will be the constant reminder of what I don't have. It is difficult, but I know that with TIME (there is that word again that I am really beginning to dislike) it will all get better. It will never go away...<br /><br />Now onto the coincidence part, although the above could be a coincidence too seeing as they were all born on the same day. I had my doctors appointment on Monday. The good news is that John and I can start trying in the middle of next month. I had to schedule an annual appointment that we wanted to do at the end of May, but there were no appointments available so it is for June 1st. When John and I got to the car I looked at a calendar and realized that if by some miracle we get pregnant on the first try, June 1st would be the day that I can test. There is another part to this coincidence...The day before the miscarriage I had a sonogram and they told me the due date was June 1st based on her size. <br /><br />I guess in a way, I would feel like she had a hand in it if it did happen to work out like that. Right now, I am really hoping that it does, I am not counting on it, but hoping. I need something to hope for and to me, right now, that is perfect. I would feel like my little angel was making things work for her mommy.<br /><br /><blockquote></blockquote>Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all.<blockquote></blockquote> ~Emily DickinsonGinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-6779822235524911402009-04-22T17:32:00.002-04:002009-04-22T17:40:47.811-04:00overly sensitive or insensitive...So, as I am going through this there are certain things that bother me now more than they have before. Some of them have always bothered me, but maybe not to the same degree. The other day, I saw a mother yelling at her child, who appeared to be doing not much wrong and that bothered me. I see parents who just seem so mean to their kids and I was always bothered by it, but now it just strikes a new nerve. <br /><br />Then, there are my friends with children, and I know that they do not do any of this on purpose, so I do try to remember it. There is only so much that I can take for now though. I am sure that this will change in the future, but for now it is hard. I sat through lunch the other day and listened to a friend complain for quite some time about how there is just no time to do anything since the baby was born. There's no time to clean or go to the doctor or go food shopping and how difficult it was to do anything with the baby. I thought to myself, "Do you realize what I would do to be in your shoes right now?" I don't know what made her finally say, "I should stop complaining now." I wonder if it was the tears that were welling up in my eyes. I wish I could have said something to let her know how hard it was to listen to, but I couldn't and didn't. Often people don't realize the impact what they are saying has until you let them know. I know it was not done on purpose, but I just wish that sometimes others would think about it. It is hard because to them, this happened and it is over. To me, it is a very real part of my life every day. <br /><br />A day does not go by when I don't think about all the things that should have been. I also wonder about all the things that will be. To others it was something that happened and it is over, many don't really think about it much any more. I do and will for the rest of my life.Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-22283721873128340022009-04-21T20:10:00.007-04:002009-04-21T20:40:04.579-04:00Pennies from HeavenI found a penny today,<br />just laying on the ground.<br />But it is not just a penny,<br />this little coin I found.<br />Found pennies come from heaven,<br />that's what my Grandpa told me.<br />He said Angels toss then down,<br />oh how I loved that story.<br />He said when an Angel misses you,<br />they toss a penny down.<br />Sometimes just to cheer you up,<br />make a smile out of your frown.<br />So don't pass by that penny<br />when you're feeling blue.<br />It may be a penny from heaven,<br />that an Angel's tossed to you. <br /> Author Unknown <br /><br /><br />As a little girl, my grandmother would find pennies everywhere. My brother and I would find the quarters, nickels and dimes. I am sure now that she saw those too, but let us find them. She would tell us "See a penny pick it up and all day long you'll have good luck." Since my grandmother has passed away I find pennies everywhere and sometimes at moments when I really need them. <br /><br />Since Lia Rose has become an angel, I often find my pennies in pairs now. I also find them at some moments that have been difficult or need reassurance that things are going to be ok. I found one on the floor in the changing room after my MRI, it wasn't there before and it was perfect timing. I also found one on the day of a district wide special education meeting when I would have to see the teacher who is due two days before I was. I found it right before I was going to walk into the room, I knew I would get through, but that time it didn't make it any easier. Yesterday, as I was signing in at the doctors office John spotted one under the reception area. I thought to myself "this is going to be a good visit"<br /><br />I think of those pennies as reminders and I really do find one almost everyday many times more than one. I find them now and most times they bring a little smile to my face, sometimes a tear to my eye. It is amazing when I find them too. I like to think of my Grandma and Lia Rose playing a game to see who can send the most or put them in the best places.<br /><br />Pennies from Heaven make me smile!Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-25169998617297264162009-04-18T08:51:00.004-04:002009-04-18T08:59:48.061-04:00Answers and good daysLast night I got a message from the doctor that told me the rest of the blood work came back normal. I think to myself "how can that be? There has to be an answer to all the bizarre stuff that happened." I am an answers type of person, I feel better when I understand and to not have an answer to what happened with the blood clotting bothers me. The doctor is just so nice and compassionate though. I feel really good about him. I go on Monday and I have a lot of questions. We'll see what kind of news that brings.<br /><br />It brought a really good day to a pretty good end because really I am glad that the blood work is normal because that means I don't have to give myself shots throughout my pregnancy. Yesterday was fantastic! It was one of the first days in a long time that I felt carefree and just about myself. I did have the thought that there was only one thing that could have made yesterday any better and I don't think that I have to even say what that is.<br /><br />We stopped in South Hampton and found this great little store that I spent way too much money in, but John was in the mood to spoil me a little...or a lot...it was nice to splurge on something for myself that was totally unnecessary. We then were in East Hampton I believe and we exchanged my Valentine's day gift at Tiffany's. It was very fun to shop there, I got a pretty new Paloma Picasso ring, it is an open Heart and John says that it matches my personality. I think that he may be right.<br /><br />We went to the lighthouse which wasn't opened, but the beach was great there. Surfers out on the water big waves and sunshine...Perfect! It was just a really great day, nice to forget about the bad things that have happened and feel like you can have fun. Today should be another good one! Time will tell! (I fell like that is the quote of the year for me)Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-4702220216352311552009-04-16T10:06:00.004-04:002009-04-16T15:57:22.667-04:00A Different ChildA Different Child<br /><br />A different child, People notice,<br />There's a special glow around you.<br />You grow, Surrounded by love,<br />Never doubting you are wanted;<br />Only look at the pride and joy,<br />In your mother's and father's eyes.<br />And sometimes between the smiles,<br />There's a trace of tears.<br />One day<br />You'll understand.<br />You'll understand,<br />There once was another child.<br />A different child.<br />Who was in their hopes and dreams.<br />That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.<br />That child will never keep them up at night.<br />In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.<br />Except sometimes, in a silent moment.<br />When mother and father miss so much<br />That different child.<br />May hope and love wrap you warmly<br />And may you learn the lesson forever<br />How infinitely precious,<br />How infinitely fragile,<br />Is this life on earth.<br />One day, as a young man or woman,<br />You may see another mother's tears,<br />Another father's silent grief.<br />Then you, and you alone<br />Will understand.<br />And offer the greatest comfort.<br />When all hope seems lost,<br />You will tell them<br />With great compassion,<br />"I know how you feel.<br />I am only here because<br />my mother tried again."<br /><br />- Pandora Diane WaldronGinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8806997256980987895.post-32264505782038174392009-04-13T09:02:00.004-04:002009-04-13T09:33:43.013-04:00EasterI was crying yesterday before the mass even started. I miss Lia Rose so much and the holidays just seem to magnify it. I sat in church and thought many things. I thought first that I have faith because I believe that Lia Rose must be in a better place. I can't stand to think of her not being someplace better. I also like to think that one day we will be together in someplace wonderful. <br /><br />The part that I come to question is WHY??? Why did this happen to us? Why did it happen now? Why, when we were ready and it was great didn't it work? Why her? Why at 18 weeks? Why did I have fibroids? Why couldn't anything be done? Why couldn't it have happened later? Why did the surgery have complications? Why did I have to go through all that as well? Why is life so cruel? Those are the questions that I ask myself and I guess that I didn't really realize it until recently. It has all been so much to absorb and take it. So much to deal with. It isn't so much questioning the existence of God, but why God does things like this.<br /><br />John believes that Lia Rose saved my life, but I am not sure I ever thought that my life was in danger. I wish that I could believe that like he does, that she sacrificed her little tiny body to save me. I guess I have some trouble with it. John believes that these fibroids may have caused more problems than we would like to think about. To me they have already caused enough. I suppose that through all this the thought of losing him only came into my mind once, when he was driving to the hospital after the phone call at 2AM. I think he struggled with thinking about losing me a few times. I can't really imagine what that was like. I wasn't afraid of losing my life in surgery or any other time. My fear was losing my uterus and not being able to create the one thing that I want the most right now.<br /><br />All of this just brings so much into question that we may never have the answers to. The problem with that is I like answers. I have a need to know about what is happening and why. It is kind of like if I can read it and know what is happening to me then I can understand it much better. I guess I am having a tough time not knowing the answers to why this happened. I hope that maybe someday I will understand, but I know that day may never come. Until then I have to have faith that there is something greater than us out there and that one day a long time from now I will know what that is.Ginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07183241992312257625noreply@blogger.com0