It is a gift

I am sitting here thinking that people sometimes are not grateful for what they have. It is so frustrating hearing and seeing people complain about the things that they have. They just don't realize how fortunate they are.

My due date is one month from tomorrow. I am sure that if I were pregnant now, I may not be the happiest camper and I would probably be getting pretty nervous, but having been through what I have, I am going to attempt to enjoy my next pregnancy as much as I can. As long as I can get around the being terrified part!

It is a gift. So many people do not realize this at all. We have no control over what happens to the life that is growing inside of us. We can do all the right things and be so careful and it still may not work out despite our best efforts. It is truly an amazing gift and I wish that I could have experienced it without losing that innocence and excitement, but that is lost now. I know that I am going to have to remind myself to be happy, not because of anything else except that I will be scared.

I can't imagine anything that I want more than to have a family. I would be so thankful if this experience never happened to me again. I would be even more thankful if it never had to happen to anyone. I wish that more people could understand even if they have not been there, but it is next to impossible. The feeling is indescribable. There is a piece of me that is with Lia Rose in heaven and I am sure that she has left a piece of her with me.

I go forward this month with a heavy heart, but with hope for the future. I know that I can do it as difficult as it may seem. I will get through and be a stronger person for it.

March for Babies

Last weekend John and I participated in the March of Dimes March for Babies. I decided to do it only a month prior to the walk because a friend of mine had suggested it to me. I signed up and sent out an email to my friends and family. The response was truly overwhelming. Thanks to the generosity of others I was able to raise over 1,100 dollars individually. John signed up a little later than I did as well as another friend. Through the team that we had we were able to raise about 1,600 dollars.

It felt so good to do something in memory of Lia Rose, and knowing that the money that we raised will help with the efforts to save babies. Maybe with enough research they will be able to do something about cases such as mine. Like they say "One day all babies will be born healthy." It would be a wonderful thing if that could happen.

My brother made t-shirts which came out great. I thought it would be hard to see her little footprint there on the shirt, but somehow it felt good. I know that she was smiling down on us that day some extra smiles, because I am fairly certain that she is always smiling down at us.

It was a great day with friends and family and I appreciate all the people who walked. It was a tough day, but I am so glad that I did it.

Bitter sweet coincidences...

I will start with the difficult first. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. I had three friends all give birth to baby girls. I should have been due in about 6 weeks and they were probably the closest to my due date. It was tough. My thought is, "How can you be happy for someone when you are so sad for yourself?" I know that I am happy for my friends, but I can't help wishing that I too was in their shoes, like I should have been in just about 6 weeks from now. I am however kind of glad that they were all on the same day, it made for one really, really tough day as opposed to a few tough days. So to my friends who have given birth...I am so happy for you, but if you saw me I am not sure you would really be convinced. I am pretty sure that my therapist would tell me that it is a perfectly normal way to feel, ironically she is out on maternity leave. So...That was the bitter sweet part because that is just what it is to me. I know that I will be there soon, hopefully very soon, but my friends children will be the constant reminder of what I don't have. It is difficult, but I know that with TIME (there is that word again that I am really beginning to dislike) it will all get better. It will never go away...

Now onto the coincidence part, although the above could be a coincidence too seeing as they were all born on the same day. I had my doctors appointment on Monday. The good news is that John and I can start trying in the middle of next month. I had to schedule an annual appointment that we wanted to do at the end of May, but there were no appointments available so it is for June 1st. When John and I got to the car I looked at a calendar and realized that if by some miracle we get pregnant on the first try, June 1st would be the day that I can test. There is another part to this coincidence...The day before the miscarriage I had a sonogram and they told me the due date was June 1st based on her size.

I guess in a way, I would feel like she had a hand in it if it did happen to work out like that. Right now, I am really hoping that it does, I am not counting on it, but hoping. I need something to hope for and to me, right now, that is perfect. I would feel like my little angel was making things work for her mommy.

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all.

~Emily Dickinson

overly sensitive or insensitive...

So, as I am going through this there are certain things that bother me now more than they have before. Some of them have always bothered me, but maybe not to the same degree. The other day, I saw a mother yelling at her child, who appeared to be doing not much wrong and that bothered me. I see parents who just seem so mean to their kids and I was always bothered by it, but now it just strikes a new nerve.

Then, there are my friends with children, and I know that they do not do any of this on purpose, so I do try to remember it. There is only so much that I can take for now though. I am sure that this will change in the future, but for now it is hard. I sat through lunch the other day and listened to a friend complain for quite some time about how there is just no time to do anything since the baby was born. There's no time to clean or go to the doctor or go food shopping and how difficult it was to do anything with the baby. I thought to myself, "Do you realize what I would do to be in your shoes right now?" I don't know what made her finally say, "I should stop complaining now." I wonder if it was the tears that were welling up in my eyes. I wish I could have said something to let her know how hard it was to listen to, but I couldn't and didn't. Often people don't realize the impact what they are saying has until you let them know. I know it was not done on purpose, but I just wish that sometimes others would think about it. It is hard because to them, this happened and it is over. To me, it is a very real part of my life every day.

A day does not go by when I don't think about all the things that should have been. I also wonder about all the things that will be. To others it was something that happened and it is over, many don't really think about it much any more. I do and will for the rest of my life.

Pennies from Heaven

I found a penny today,
just laying on the ground.
But it is not just a penny,
this little coin I found.
Found pennies come from heaven,
that's what my Grandpa told me.
He said Angels toss then down,
oh how I loved that story.
He said when an Angel misses you,
they toss a penny down.
Sometimes just to cheer you up,
make a smile out of your frown.
So don't pass by that penny
when you're feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven,
that an Angel's tossed to you.
Author Unknown


As a little girl, my grandmother would find pennies everywhere. My brother and I would find the quarters, nickels and dimes. I am sure now that she saw those too, but let us find them. She would tell us "See a penny pick it up and all day long you'll have good luck." Since my grandmother has passed away I find pennies everywhere and sometimes at moments when I really need them.

Since Lia Rose has become an angel, I often find my pennies in pairs now. I also find them at some moments that have been difficult or need reassurance that things are going to be ok. I found one on the floor in the changing room after my MRI, it wasn't there before and it was perfect timing. I also found one on the day of a district wide special education meeting when I would have to see the teacher who is due two days before I was. I found it right before I was going to walk into the room, I knew I would get through, but that time it didn't make it any easier. Yesterday, as I was signing in at the doctors office John spotted one under the reception area. I thought to myself "this is going to be a good visit"

I think of those pennies as reminders and I really do find one almost everyday many times more than one. I find them now and most times they bring a little smile to my face, sometimes a tear to my eye. It is amazing when I find them too. I like to think of my Grandma and Lia Rose playing a game to see who can send the most or put them in the best places.

Pennies from Heaven make me smile!

Answers and good days

Last night I got a message from the doctor that told me the rest of the blood work came back normal. I think to myself "how can that be? There has to be an answer to all the bizarre stuff that happened." I am an answers type of person, I feel better when I understand and to not have an answer to what happened with the blood clotting bothers me. The doctor is just so nice and compassionate though. I feel really good about him. I go on Monday and I have a lot of questions. We'll see what kind of news that brings.

It brought a really good day to a pretty good end because really I am glad that the blood work is normal because that means I don't have to give myself shots throughout my pregnancy. Yesterday was fantastic! It was one of the first days in a long time that I felt carefree and just about myself. I did have the thought that there was only one thing that could have made yesterday any better and I don't think that I have to even say what that is.

We stopped in South Hampton and found this great little store that I spent way too much money in, but John was in the mood to spoil me a little...or a lot...it was nice to splurge on something for myself that was totally unnecessary. We then were in East Hampton I believe and we exchanged my Valentine's day gift at Tiffany's. It was very fun to shop there, I got a pretty new Paloma Picasso ring, it is an open Heart and John says that it matches my personality. I think that he may be right.

We went to the lighthouse which wasn't opened, but the beach was great there. Surfers out on the water big waves and sunshine...Perfect! It was just a really great day, nice to forget about the bad things that have happened and feel like you can have fun. Today should be another good one! Time will tell! (I fell like that is the quote of the year for me)

A Different Child

A Different Child

A different child, People notice,
There's a special glow around you.
You grow, Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy,
In your mother's and father's eyes.
And sometimes between the smiles,
There's a trace of tears.
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand,
There once was another child.
A different child.
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.
That child will never keep them up at night.
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment.
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious,
How infinitely fragile,
Is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman,
You may see another mother's tears,
Another father's silent grief.
Then you, and you alone
Will understand.
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I am only here because
my mother tried again."

- Pandora Diane Waldron