I will start with the difficult first. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. I had three friends all give birth to baby girls. I should have been due in about 6 weeks and they were probably the closest to my due date. It was tough. My thought is, "How can you be happy for someone when you are so sad for yourself?" I know that I am happy for my friends, but I can't help wishing that I too was in their shoes, like I should have been in just about 6 weeks from now. I am however kind of glad that they were all on the same day, it made for one really, really tough day as opposed to a few tough days. So to my friends who have given birth...I am so happy for you, but if you saw me I am not sure you would really be convinced. I am pretty sure that my therapist would tell me that it is a perfectly normal way to feel, ironically she is out on maternity leave. So...That was the bitter sweet part because that is just what it is to me. I know that I will be there soon, hopefully very soon, but my friends children will be the constant reminder of what I don't have. It is difficult, but I know that with TIME (there is that word again that I am really beginning to dislike) it will all get better. It will never go away...
Now onto the coincidence part, although the above could be a coincidence too seeing as they were all born on the same day. I had my doctors appointment on Monday. The good news is that John and I can start trying in the middle of next month. I had to schedule an annual appointment that we wanted to do at the end of May, but there were no appointments available so it is for June 1st. When John and I got to the car I looked at a calendar and realized that if by some miracle we get pregnant on the first try, June 1st would be the day that I can test. There is another part to this coincidence...The day before the miscarriage I had a sonogram and they told me the due date was June 1st based on her size.
I guess in a way, I would feel like she had a hand in it if it did happen to work out like that. Right now, I am really hoping that it does, I am not counting on it, but hoping. I need something to hope for and to me, right now, that is perfect. I would feel like my little angel was making things work for her mommy.
Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
Friday, April 24, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
overly sensitive or insensitive...
So, as I am going through this there are certain things that bother me now more than they have before. Some of them have always bothered me, but maybe not to the same degree. The other day, I saw a mother yelling at her child, who appeared to be doing not much wrong and that bothered me. I see parents who just seem so mean to their kids and I was always bothered by it, but now it just strikes a new nerve.
Then, there are my friends with children, and I know that they do not do any of this on purpose, so I do try to remember it. There is only so much that I can take for now though. I am sure that this will change in the future, but for now it is hard. I sat through lunch the other day and listened to a friend complain for quite some time about how there is just no time to do anything since the baby was born. There's no time to clean or go to the doctor or go food shopping and how difficult it was to do anything with the baby. I thought to myself, "Do you realize what I would do to be in your shoes right now?" I don't know what made her finally say, "I should stop complaining now." I wonder if it was the tears that were welling up in my eyes. I wish I could have said something to let her know how hard it was to listen to, but I couldn't and didn't. Often people don't realize the impact what they are saying has until you let them know. I know it was not done on purpose, but I just wish that sometimes others would think about it. It is hard because to them, this happened and it is over. To me, it is a very real part of my life every day.
A day does not go by when I don't think about all the things that should have been. I also wonder about all the things that will be. To others it was something that happened and it is over, many don't really think about it much any more. I do and will for the rest of my life.
Then, there are my friends with children, and I know that they do not do any of this on purpose, so I do try to remember it. There is only so much that I can take for now though. I am sure that this will change in the future, but for now it is hard. I sat through lunch the other day and listened to a friend complain for quite some time about how there is just no time to do anything since the baby was born. There's no time to clean or go to the doctor or go food shopping and how difficult it was to do anything with the baby. I thought to myself, "Do you realize what I would do to be in your shoes right now?" I don't know what made her finally say, "I should stop complaining now." I wonder if it was the tears that were welling up in my eyes. I wish I could have said something to let her know how hard it was to listen to, but I couldn't and didn't. Often people don't realize the impact what they are saying has until you let them know. I know it was not done on purpose, but I just wish that sometimes others would think about it. It is hard because to them, this happened and it is over. To me, it is a very real part of my life every day.
A day does not go by when I don't think about all the things that should have been. I also wonder about all the things that will be. To others it was something that happened and it is over, many don't really think about it much any more. I do and will for the rest of my life.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Pennies from Heaven
I found a penny today,
just laying on the ground.
But it is not just a penny,
this little coin I found.
Found pennies come from heaven,
that's what my Grandpa told me.
He said Angels toss then down,
oh how I loved that story.
He said when an Angel misses you,
they toss a penny down.
Sometimes just to cheer you up,
make a smile out of your frown.
So don't pass by that penny
when you're feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven,
that an Angel's tossed to you.
Author Unknown
As a little girl, my grandmother would find pennies everywhere. My brother and I would find the quarters, nickels and dimes. I am sure now that she saw those too, but let us find them. She would tell us "See a penny pick it up and all day long you'll have good luck." Since my grandmother has passed away I find pennies everywhere and sometimes at moments when I really need them.
Since Lia Rose has become an angel, I often find my pennies in pairs now. I also find them at some moments that have been difficult or need reassurance that things are going to be ok. I found one on the floor in the changing room after my MRI, it wasn't there before and it was perfect timing. I also found one on the day of a district wide special education meeting when I would have to see the teacher who is due two days before I was. I found it right before I was going to walk into the room, I knew I would get through, but that time it didn't make it any easier. Yesterday, as I was signing in at the doctors office John spotted one under the reception area. I thought to myself "this is going to be a good visit"
I think of those pennies as reminders and I really do find one almost everyday many times more than one. I find them now and most times they bring a little smile to my face, sometimes a tear to my eye. It is amazing when I find them too. I like to think of my Grandma and Lia Rose playing a game to see who can send the most or put them in the best places.
Pennies from Heaven make me smile!
just laying on the ground.
But it is not just a penny,
this little coin I found.
Found pennies come from heaven,
that's what my Grandpa told me.
He said Angels toss then down,
oh how I loved that story.
He said when an Angel misses you,
they toss a penny down.
Sometimes just to cheer you up,
make a smile out of your frown.
So don't pass by that penny
when you're feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven,
that an Angel's tossed to you.
Author Unknown
As a little girl, my grandmother would find pennies everywhere. My brother and I would find the quarters, nickels and dimes. I am sure now that she saw those too, but let us find them. She would tell us "See a penny pick it up and all day long you'll have good luck." Since my grandmother has passed away I find pennies everywhere and sometimes at moments when I really need them.
Since Lia Rose has become an angel, I often find my pennies in pairs now. I also find them at some moments that have been difficult or need reassurance that things are going to be ok. I found one on the floor in the changing room after my MRI, it wasn't there before and it was perfect timing. I also found one on the day of a district wide special education meeting when I would have to see the teacher who is due two days before I was. I found it right before I was going to walk into the room, I knew I would get through, but that time it didn't make it any easier. Yesterday, as I was signing in at the doctors office John spotted one under the reception area. I thought to myself "this is going to be a good visit"
I think of those pennies as reminders and I really do find one almost everyday many times more than one. I find them now and most times they bring a little smile to my face, sometimes a tear to my eye. It is amazing when I find them too. I like to think of my Grandma and Lia Rose playing a game to see who can send the most or put them in the best places.
Pennies from Heaven make me smile!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Answers and good days
Last night I got a message from the doctor that told me the rest of the blood work came back normal. I think to myself "how can that be? There has to be an answer to all the bizarre stuff that happened." I am an answers type of person, I feel better when I understand and to not have an answer to what happened with the blood clotting bothers me. The doctor is just so nice and compassionate though. I feel really good about him. I go on Monday and I have a lot of questions. We'll see what kind of news that brings.
It brought a really good day to a pretty good end because really I am glad that the blood work is normal because that means I don't have to give myself shots throughout my pregnancy. Yesterday was fantastic! It was one of the first days in a long time that I felt carefree and just about myself. I did have the thought that there was only one thing that could have made yesterday any better and I don't think that I have to even say what that is.
We stopped in South Hampton and found this great little store that I spent way too much money in, but John was in the mood to spoil me a little...or a lot...it was nice to splurge on something for myself that was totally unnecessary. We then were in East Hampton I believe and we exchanged my Valentine's day gift at Tiffany's. It was very fun to shop there, I got a pretty new Paloma Picasso ring, it is an open Heart and John says that it matches my personality. I think that he may be right.
We went to the lighthouse which wasn't opened, but the beach was great there. Surfers out on the water big waves and sunshine...Perfect! It was just a really great day, nice to forget about the bad things that have happened and feel like you can have fun. Today should be another good one! Time will tell! (I fell like that is the quote of the year for me)
It brought a really good day to a pretty good end because really I am glad that the blood work is normal because that means I don't have to give myself shots throughout my pregnancy. Yesterday was fantastic! It was one of the first days in a long time that I felt carefree and just about myself. I did have the thought that there was only one thing that could have made yesterday any better and I don't think that I have to even say what that is.
We stopped in South Hampton and found this great little store that I spent way too much money in, but John was in the mood to spoil me a little...or a lot...it was nice to splurge on something for myself that was totally unnecessary. We then were in East Hampton I believe and we exchanged my Valentine's day gift at Tiffany's. It was very fun to shop there, I got a pretty new Paloma Picasso ring, it is an open Heart and John says that it matches my personality. I think that he may be right.
We went to the lighthouse which wasn't opened, but the beach was great there. Surfers out on the water big waves and sunshine...Perfect! It was just a really great day, nice to forget about the bad things that have happened and feel like you can have fun. Today should be another good one! Time will tell! (I fell like that is the quote of the year for me)
Thursday, April 16, 2009
A Different Child
A Different Child
A different child, People notice,
There's a special glow around you.
You grow, Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy,
In your mother's and father's eyes.
And sometimes between the smiles,
There's a trace of tears.
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand,
There once was another child.
A different child.
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.
That child will never keep them up at night.
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment.
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious,
How infinitely fragile,
Is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman,
You may see another mother's tears,
Another father's silent grief.
Then you, and you alone
Will understand.
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I am only here because
my mother tried again."
- Pandora Diane Waldron
A different child, People notice,
There's a special glow around you.
You grow, Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy,
In your mother's and father's eyes.
And sometimes between the smiles,
There's a trace of tears.
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand,
There once was another child.
A different child.
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.
That child will never keep them up at night.
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment.
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious,
How infinitely fragile,
Is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman,
You may see another mother's tears,
Another father's silent grief.
Then you, and you alone
Will understand.
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I am only here because
my mother tried again."
- Pandora Diane Waldron
Monday, April 13, 2009
Easter
I was crying yesterday before the mass even started. I miss Lia Rose so much and the holidays just seem to magnify it. I sat in church and thought many things. I thought first that I have faith because I believe that Lia Rose must be in a better place. I can't stand to think of her not being someplace better. I also like to think that one day we will be together in someplace wonderful.
The part that I come to question is WHY??? Why did this happen to us? Why did it happen now? Why, when we were ready and it was great didn't it work? Why her? Why at 18 weeks? Why did I have fibroids? Why couldn't anything be done? Why couldn't it have happened later? Why did the surgery have complications? Why did I have to go through all that as well? Why is life so cruel? Those are the questions that I ask myself and I guess that I didn't really realize it until recently. It has all been so much to absorb and take it. So much to deal with. It isn't so much questioning the existence of God, but why God does things like this.
John believes that Lia Rose saved my life, but I am not sure I ever thought that my life was in danger. I wish that I could believe that like he does, that she sacrificed her little tiny body to save me. I guess I have some trouble with it. John believes that these fibroids may have caused more problems than we would like to think about. To me they have already caused enough. I suppose that through all this the thought of losing him only came into my mind once, when he was driving to the hospital after the phone call at 2AM. I think he struggled with thinking about losing me a few times. I can't really imagine what that was like. I wasn't afraid of losing my life in surgery or any other time. My fear was losing my uterus and not being able to create the one thing that I want the most right now.
All of this just brings so much into question that we may never have the answers to. The problem with that is I like answers. I have a need to know about what is happening and why. It is kind of like if I can read it and know what is happening to me then I can understand it much better. I guess I am having a tough time not knowing the answers to why this happened. I hope that maybe someday I will understand, but I know that day may never come. Until then I have to have faith that there is something greater than us out there and that one day a long time from now I will know what that is.
The part that I come to question is WHY??? Why did this happen to us? Why did it happen now? Why, when we were ready and it was great didn't it work? Why her? Why at 18 weeks? Why did I have fibroids? Why couldn't anything be done? Why couldn't it have happened later? Why did the surgery have complications? Why did I have to go through all that as well? Why is life so cruel? Those are the questions that I ask myself and I guess that I didn't really realize it until recently. It has all been so much to absorb and take it. So much to deal with. It isn't so much questioning the existence of God, but why God does things like this.
John believes that Lia Rose saved my life, but I am not sure I ever thought that my life was in danger. I wish that I could believe that like he does, that she sacrificed her little tiny body to save me. I guess I have some trouble with it. John believes that these fibroids may have caused more problems than we would like to think about. To me they have already caused enough. I suppose that through all this the thought of losing him only came into my mind once, when he was driving to the hospital after the phone call at 2AM. I think he struggled with thinking about losing me a few times. I can't really imagine what that was like. I wasn't afraid of losing my life in surgery or any other time. My fear was losing my uterus and not being able to create the one thing that I want the most right now.
All of this just brings so much into question that we may never have the answers to. The problem with that is I like answers. I have a need to know about what is happening and why. It is kind of like if I can read it and know what is happening to me then I can understand it much better. I guess I am having a tough time not knowing the answers to why this happened. I hope that maybe someday I will understand, but I know that day may never come. Until then I have to have faith that there is something greater than us out there and that one day a long time from now I will know what that is.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Tough days
Yesterday we went to visit Lia Rose at the cemetery. Every time I am there all I can think of is "this is so unfair, we shouldn't be at the cemetery visiting our baby girl!" It is comforting to be able to go, but it doesn't get any easier. It is and I have a feeling always will be hard. I am so glad that we have someplace to go. We put a palm cross there last week, and my mom and dad put a pink rose there. I miss her so much.
I still get so sad sometimes especially on rainy days, like today. Those are the days that are the most difficult for me. I need the sunshine right now, I need it more than I ever have. I think it is just a sign for me of good things when the sun is out. I try to think of the rain as washing away the bad and the beginning of better things, but it is hard. I just want to be out in the sun.
I am walking in the March for Babies and I am getting excited about it. I am not sure how I am going to do, but John will be there and so will my parents and my brother and a friend from HS. I have raised so much money so far. More than I ever thought that I would. I am truly touched by the generosity of others and how many people have been touched by this. I cry happy tears and it has been a while since that has happened. My brother is going to make t-shirts for us that have the quote"
I still get so sad sometimes especially on rainy days, like today. Those are the days that are the most difficult for me. I need the sunshine right now, I need it more than I ever have. I think it is just a sign for me of good things when the sun is out. I try to think of the rain as washing away the bad and the beginning of better things, but it is hard. I just want to be out in the sun.
I am walking in the March for Babies and I am getting excited about it. I am not sure how I am going to do, but John will be there and so will my parents and my brother and a friend from HS. I have raised so much money so far. More than I ever thought that I would. I am truly touched by the generosity of others and how many people have been touched by this. I cry happy tears and it has been a while since that has happened. My brother is going to make t-shirts for us that have the quote"
"At one glance I loved you with a thousand hearts"
-Mihri Hatun
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