Mother's Day/Father's Day Mass

A co-worker of mine gave me a flyer from her church bulletin the week Lia was due. It was for a Mother's Day/Father's Day mass specifically for parents who have lost a child at any age from early miscarriage til adulthood. John and I decided that we would go. I cried through much of the mass, but they were good tears.

The mass was very touching and the priests homily was as well. He spoke about pictures and remembering. How the pictures can bring back the memories in an instant, but also you remember just at that spot. It is very true. I can look at our picture of Lia Rose and so many memories come flashing back into my head. The awful memory of the moment that I lost her. The memory of holding her in our arms. Memories of the excitement about going to see the sonogram pictures and memories of being excited about what the future held. I will always have those memories, some good, some bad, but I do not want to forget.

The mass continued and they sang some of the songs that they usually sing at masses when someone has passed. Those songs always get to me. They also gave single long stems roses to everyone that was there as a remembrance. It was just a touching mass all around.

After the mass they had refreshments in the parish center. We went and signed their mailing list so we could get notified of other such events as it isn't our parish, but a nearby one. As we were sitting the priest who said mass came over and introduced himself. We got to tell him our story and I appreciated that he listened. He acknowledged the fact that I was pretty far along and for that I was grateful. Many people don't even think about it. We told him that we do have pictures and he asked how the hospital was. He heard our whole story, slightly abbreviated while he sat and spoke to us. It felt good to talk about it to him. I think that John and I will make this a tradition.

Rainbows and Clovers

What a week so far! I think this will be broken down into more than one post. This week was the first week in June, the week that my baby girl Lia Rose was due. The last sonogram I had of her on January 1, 2009 gave her due date as June 1^st. The doctors gave a due date of June 4^th. Needless to say it has been a difficult and trying week.

June 1^st was a difficult day all around. I couldn’t concentrate at work. I just wanted to be surrounded with the things that I love and wished I was not at work. Thankfully the people that I was with were great and two of them have been through similar experiences with a late loss. That has proven incredibly helpful. It is refreshing to see people who have overcome and have children and have been in a similar situation. The grief is overwhelming sometimes and then sometimes there is something happens that can make me smile through the tears.

June 2^nd was possibly more difficult than June 1^st. An unwanted monthly visitor decided to show up. We are trying so I was really hoping for something to look forward to. This was not the month though. Maybe I needed to get through this part without being pregnant again. Maybe it is so that I can look at the next pregnancy and not think about the fact that I found out the week Lia should have been due. I can make up all sorts of reasons, I am sure I could come up with something for every month. Now all I can say is maybe next month. Back to WAITING and you know how I feel about that right now.

June 2^nd did have some smile through the tears moments. I had a terrible day at work. I decided that I was not pretending to be ok. When someone asked, “Are you OK?” I politely said, “NO, I should have been due this week.” I had to, I couldn’t make it through unless I could speak those words, at least that it what it felt like. My principal saw me and popped into my room and was so supportive and wonderful. That truly helps to make it easier. I don’t feel the pressures of the work day and know if I need a break, I can take it. Oh…but the smile through the tears moments…let me get to those.

I was walking in from work, my eyes welled with tears, searching for my keys. I looked down and spotted a patch of clovers and right there staring at me was one with 4 leaves. I picked it up and smiled at the heavens through my tears and thanked my little angel. I then taped it and put it in a journal of randomness that I am keeping. That evening John and I had tickets for a Phish concert. We are going to three shows this week. Anyway, the concert was at Jones Beach Theater, seeing as we love the beach it is a great atmosphere for us. It had rained pretty heavily prior to us arriving and as we were sitting in our seats I watched two rainbows surface in the sky. I pointed them out to John and said, “I think that it is Lia Rose shining down on us, letting us know that everything is going to be ok.” John agreed! It is amazing how you can turn these things into something with so much meaning. I now see Lia Rose in all the beauty and wonder of the world. I think that is a blessing.

The Phish concert was great. I had my moments of teary eyes, but it was so good to just get lost in music. To let go and just feel music running through my blood. It was a great set and I soaked up all the good energy. I am hoping tonight’s show will be even better!

car rides and songs

This morning as I was driving into work I had a moment. It really just lasted a little while and then I was pretty good for the rest of the day. When that happens it makes me realize that I really am mostly OK and am able to carry on with my daily life. I get sad and that is the bottom line and it comes from nowhere sometimes and other times there is something that sparks it. Today, something sparked it.

I have a pen-pal (now email pal) that I have been writing to since the 3rd grade. We have never met, but we have kept in touch through the years. Sometimes more often and sometimes less often. I had sent her a Christmas card with a note in it that I was expecting and when I was due. After I had the miscarriage I tried to contact her, but she must have changed her e-mail address because it kept getting sent back to me. I heard from her this morning and in her e-mail she congratulated me and said it must be any day now. She was right, it should have been any day now. I wrote her back explaining what happened, it brought back those memories when I was writing it. I suppose that while I was on my way to work I was thinking about how I was going to respond to her. I knew that any response would have made her feel bad, but I had to let her know the situation. It is always awkward to tell someone who doesn't know what happened. It happened a couple of times at work with some people there.


When I was almost at work the Jack Johnson song If I could came on. There is a line in the song that states, "They say that new life makes losing life easier to understand." I thought to myself, what if that lost life was a new life? It doesn't make it any easier to understand at all. It is so much more difficult to understand that. Your grieving process is so different.

I grieve for my grandmother and think about the things that she wasn't here for, but then she lived her whole life and saw so much. I have memories of her from so many events in my life. When you lose a new life you grieve for what you don't have and the memories that you can't make. I will never get to hear Lia say her first words or take her first steps. I will never see her off on her first day of school. These are memories that I don't have, but I long for them. Yes, there will be other babies, I know this in my heart, but they will not be Lia. I will always know that Lia should have been ______ this year. (Fill in whatever milestone you wish). I also know that if I did not lose Lia, my next child may not be here. It is hard to think about it sometimes. In my day dreams I can picture Lia growing to be a beautiful little girl, but that is not reality. I will never see Lia Rose grow up, again that is a memory that I will never have. I do not get to look back and remember her childhood when I am older. I get to think of all the things that should have been. She cannot be replaced, she will always be my first child.

Any other Sunday

Part of me is trying to ignore the fact that tomorrow is Mother's Day, but it is a bit difficult as I have a mother that I will be spending the day with. I would like to stay home and do normal Sunday activities, but instead will be going to not my usual Sunday mass with my Mother-in-Law and we are all going to the vineyards.


I want to wear a big sign that says, "Don't forget me! I am a mother too! I just don't have my child here. She should have been making my belly nice and big, but she came too soon!" Maybe a sign that says, "Mother to an Angel!" Something anything...


I got a card for Mother's day from my Mother-in-Law yesterday. It was like a mass card so there are people praying for me somewhere. All over really she sends us cards like that all the time, but this one made me cry. She acknowledged the fact that I was a mother and that makes me happy. I am not sure who else will and it hurts a little bit.


I don't think people know what to do for me as far as Mother's day goes. I know what I want is to be thought of as a Mother. I am a Mother. I am a Mother to Lia Rose Grande who was born 22 weeks too soon. I went through labor and delivered her and held her just like any other Mother, but I did not get to come home from the hospital with a baby. I fell in love with my baby girl, who was already an angel. I think that is the most unfair thing!


It is very bitter sweet for me. We are finally able to try again and really she could have been born any day now. My due date was June 4th and then they told me June 1st I was convinced she was coming into this world in May. Unfortunately she came into this world in January.


What do you say when someone asks, "Are you a Mother?" Do you pick and choose who you tell or do you just keep it to yourself. I don't know...but I am not sure I am prepared to hear those words tomorrow.

With what price we pay for the glory of motherhood. ~Isadora Duncan