car rides and songs

This morning as I was driving into work I had a moment. It really just lasted a little while and then I was pretty good for the rest of the day. When that happens it makes me realize that I really am mostly OK and am able to carry on with my daily life. I get sad and that is the bottom line and it comes from nowhere sometimes and other times there is something that sparks it. Today, something sparked it.

I have a pen-pal (now email pal) that I have been writing to since the 3rd grade. We have never met, but we have kept in touch through the years. Sometimes more often and sometimes less often. I had sent her a Christmas card with a note in it that I was expecting and when I was due. After I had the miscarriage I tried to contact her, but she must have changed her e-mail address because it kept getting sent back to me. I heard from her this morning and in her e-mail she congratulated me and said it must be any day now. She was right, it should have been any day now. I wrote her back explaining what happened, it brought back those memories when I was writing it. I suppose that while I was on my way to work I was thinking about how I was going to respond to her. I knew that any response would have made her feel bad, but I had to let her know the situation. It is always awkward to tell someone who doesn't know what happened. It happened a couple of times at work with some people there.


When I was almost at work the Jack Johnson song If I could came on. There is a line in the song that states, "They say that new life makes losing life easier to understand." I thought to myself, what if that lost life was a new life? It doesn't make it any easier to understand at all. It is so much more difficult to understand that. Your grieving process is so different.

I grieve for my grandmother and think about the things that she wasn't here for, but then she lived her whole life and saw so much. I have memories of her from so many events in my life. When you lose a new life you grieve for what you don't have and the memories that you can't make. I will never get to hear Lia say her first words or take her first steps. I will never see her off on her first day of school. These are memories that I don't have, but I long for them. Yes, there will be other babies, I know this in my heart, but they will not be Lia. I will always know that Lia should have been ______ this year. (Fill in whatever milestone you wish). I also know that if I did not lose Lia, my next child may not be here. It is hard to think about it sometimes. In my day dreams I can picture Lia growing to be a beautiful little girl, but that is not reality. I will never see Lia Rose grow up, again that is a memory that I will never have. I do not get to look back and remember her childhood when I am older. I get to think of all the things that should have been. She cannot be replaced, she will always be my first child.

Not so Sad

I made it through this week much better than the last. I guess starting the week in a temper tantrum on the night of Mother's day really throws off the whole week. This week I managed to get through with a couple of tears and many more smiles. It feels good to feel at least a little happy. The weather has been great which I really believe has been helping tremendously.

John and I started last weekend with a nice dinner at one of our favorite places, but we don't go too often. It is called Lucy's and it is delicious. It is a quaint little place in the Town of Babylon. Another reason I like it is because my grandmother was named Lucy. It was so nice to be out to dinner and relaxing in decent weather and it was the start of what was going to be a very nice weekend and week.

Saturday we planted Lia's weeping cherry tree. We dug up the spot where we were adding to the tree and it looks beautiful. We will be adding a few more plants to that area, but I am not sure what yet. It is nice to look out of the window and see something so pretty. It was purchased with a gift card from some of my co-workers from one of my buildings and I think that it is perfect.




Sunday was a get dirty outside day because we planted a good part of our vegetable garden. It wasn't the nicest day, but it felt good to be digging in the earth. Now we get to watch our seedlings and seeds hopefully grow and produce lots of good food to eat. We did well last year, and this year we planted a bigger variety. Now we have to WAIT! Again, with waiting. It is a word that I am really disliking more and more. Trying to be patient is difficult.




I got through the work week pretty well too. One of my buildings was closed on Wednesday and Thursday because of, as the kids say "the swine." I had a swine flu vacation day on Wednesday and only had to go for a half day yesterday and now it is a four day weekend. My parents and I went to the beach and it was so refreshing. It is my favorite place and one of the reasons I don't want to leave Long Island.

I am feeling hopeful this week. We are trying again and that is one less thing that I have to wait for now. I am hopeful that we will be sent a brother or sister for Lia Rose very soon. Maybe I am too hopeful, but I need to have that hope. It is the hope that keeps me going everyday. Lia should have been born the first week in June (June 4th was her due date). I think she was coming in May. She is my angel now and I know that she is always with her mom and dad.

(on a side note, I haven't played around with adding links or pictures too much, I hope that it works)

Difficult

I am having a tough few weeks. With all the progress and all the forward motion I have made I feel like I have taken several steps back. I suppose there has still been forward motion though. Again, three steps forward one step back. I would like to get off the roller coaster ride of emotions that I have been on. I’d like the roller coaster to stop in happy oblivion land, but I know that it not possible. I am not sure that I will be in happy oblivion land anymore. I can no longer be in a “happy oblivion.” It was taken away from me early in the AM of January 2, 2009. I knew that the next few weeks would be difficult, but I guess I was not prepared for how difficult they would be. I just feel sad lately. I don’t necessarily want to feel sad, but I am not sure how to “un-sad” myself. I am hoping for a refresh this weekend, maybe that is what I need. Last weekend ended with Mother’s Day and a meltdown for me on Sunday night. It wasn’t so refreshing after that. Maybe this weekend will be different.



I have been thinking about what should have been coming 3 weeks from Thursday(officially) and being hopeful about what will be. How do you balance it all? There is just so much on my mind. I am trying to relax about it, but I don’t think that I was relaxed about anything the first time. How can I be relaxed about it now?

People forget, people don’t realize that every day is still hard for me. Their lives go on as usual, but mine is forever changed by what has happened. I am so grateful for the people who do remember and who, although have never been in my shoes seem to understand. Many people forget. That is something that is difficult for me.

I know there is hope inside somewhere because I can see myself as a parent, but right now that seems like the distant future. It feels like a child playing the mother. Will it happen? When will it happen? Will I have to wait a long time? I want a family. I want a brother or sister for Lia Rose. I want to feel the joy of having a child and not the pain of losing one. Is it so much to ask for? I don’t think that it is.