Saturday, February 28, 2009

I can't believe that this has happened

On January 2nd, 2009 my life was changed forever. I became a mother, however, I did not have a baby to take home. I had a miscarriage. I went to the emergency room on New Years day because of pain and a clot. I knew that something was not right. After spending what seemed like a lifetime in the ER the doctor came in and told us what was happening. I had a fibroid that was degenerating. The doctor then told us that he was admitting me to relieve the pain and to hydrate. He explained that I would be in a lot of pain and that there would be bleeding. He also explained that at 18 weeks pregnant there was nothing that could be done about preterm labor, although I believe that no-one thought that this would be the outcome.
They took me to the maternity ward and I was experiencing the pain and bleeding that they said. The nurses were great and very attentive. I had a doppler done and we heard the baby's heartbeat and I felt her move for the first time. The first time that I knew what it was. I could feel her move that night and I kept telling her that everything was going to be ok. At 2 something in the morning my world came crashing down. I delivered my baby 22 weeks too early. No one knew what was happening or that I was having contractions. In retrospect I should have been able to figure it out, but I didn't. I know that there was nothing that anyone could have done to prevent it. It was too early and the baby wasn't developed enough to survive. I had great care. The nurses didn't leave my side until my family got there. My parents got there first. Then John. I was in shock, I processed what had happened, but could not believe it.
The nurse came in as I was delivering the placenta and asked us if we wanted to hold our baby. We were scared, but after a while decided that we would. It was the hardest and most beautiful thing that I have ever done. She was about the size of my palm and she was perfect. At the time we didn't know for sure of the sex, but we fell in love with this tiny beautiful little baby instantly. We knew at that moment that we were parents, but we had no baby to go home with. Instead we have an angel in heaven who will always be in our hearts. I am so glad that we were able to hold her. Instead of the trauma of the situation we have a moment of beauty as difficult as it was. I have a better memory to hold onto instead of the moment that I lost her, which was not very pleasant.
I was in the hospital for another night and the doctors and nurses were amazing. They were so compassionate and caring. The morning that they told me I was being discharged I had a panic attack so they kept me for the rest of the day. I was left alone for the first time that this had happened. I think that the thought of leaving that hospital without a baby was one of the most difficult things at that time, there would be a lot more of those moments to come. Going home was hard we knew that we were leaving our baby in the hospital and that in a few days we would bury our child.

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