Today was my first day back to work after almost four weeks off. I am exhausted, physically. I am achy all over. It was good to be back sort of. I mean having the "normal" routine is good, but staying home wasn't so bad once I could do some stuff. Here's the thing though...I do to work and I do my job and I love the kids, but, it's a job, and that's it. I do the best I can while I am there, but I don't let it get to me. It just isn't that important.
I am again staring down time in the face and sometimes I think that time is winning. I want it to pass and some days it does and some seem like forever. I have this warped sense of time as well. If you told me that the events of January 2nd happened two years ago I could very well believe that. If you told me that I was pregnant two years ago I could very well believe that too. Again I am waiting for time to pass. Time Time Time...Everything revolves around it and it is something that we have no control over. I guess if I just slept the days away that would help time pass, but that isn't the healthy thing to do and I know that. Partying 24-7 may also, but that wouldn't be too healthy either. Balance...A balance of everything. That is where I need to be and I suppose that I am there, but it doesn't make time move any faster. I've never wished so much time away and I have a feeling that I am going to be wishing it away until I have a baby in my arms to bring home.
The reality is that I am pretty scared to try again for so many reasons. I am glad that we have to wait to start until the end of May or early June. I am scared that this is going to happen again late like it did this time. I am scared that I am going to have an early miscarriage. I am scared that I am not going to get pregnant. I am scared. I want to try again though and I know that. These are fears that I have to come to terms with and they are not unreasonable fears. I cannot let them take control and that is where writing comes in. If I get it out and remind myself that these fears are ok and I can't let them take control of me then I will be ok. The fear can't win! It hasn't so far and hopefully it won't.
Well...back to work...there are 7 work days til vacation and 45 teaching days until the end of the year and 55 work days til school is done...not that I am counting.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair
I think there might be a baby boom at the moment. I do believe that I know more pregnant people right now than I have ever known in my life. I try very hard to be happy for all of them, but sometimes it is really tough. I know that it isn't their fault, and I know that I should be happy for them, but there is part of me that just thinks about the fact that I should be there with them. I'd be 7 months pregnant now with a big belly and having a baby within months of some friends. I don't know, I wish it were different. I wish I were pregnant still, but I am not and I have to deal with it and I am dealing with it, but it doesn't make it suck any less.
Saturday should have been my baby shower. It was a hard day, but I guess it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I was sad at times, but I didn't have a complete breakdown. John and I went out east to Martha Clara and took a wine and chocolate class. It was delicious! The chocolates were made with the wine and they were all truffles. It definitely helped out a bunch at least kept my mind off of the fact that I should have been sitting at my baby shower having fun and being very excited. I know that there will be another one, at another time, but it doesn't make it any easier. What would things be like if I were still pregnant? It's a question I think about, but try not to dwell on.
I want to be happy for everyone and it is just so hard. I feel bad that I can't be happier. I think I have been doing a pretty good job at it. Some are just harder than others. All I can do is the best that I can!
Saturday should have been my baby shower. It was a hard day, but I guess it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I was sad at times, but I didn't have a complete breakdown. John and I went out east to Martha Clara and took a wine and chocolate class. It was delicious! The chocolates were made with the wine and they were all truffles. It definitely helped out a bunch at least kept my mind off of the fact that I should have been sitting at my baby shower having fun and being very excited. I know that there will be another one, at another time, but it doesn't make it any easier. What would things be like if I were still pregnant? It's a question I think about, but try not to dwell on.
I want to be happy for everyone and it is just so hard. I feel bad that I can't be happier. I think I have been doing a pretty good job at it. Some are just harder than others. All I can do is the best that I can!
Friday, March 27, 2009
rainy days
It is really amazing how much the weather impacts my mood especially lately. I have been doing pretty well, then all of a sudden we get a rainy day and Bam...it hits me like a ton of bricks. It used to have a little effect on me, but now it is multiplied. The sun is out today which is much better for me on many levels. It also helps that it actually feels like spring time outside, that whole new beginnings things seems to coincide with the beginning of spring. Good timing I suppose.
This weekend will be a tough one for me. Saturday was supposed to be my baby shower. I can't help but think that I should have a big belly right now and be due in just about two months, but I am not. Again, I get the feeling that I was pregnant in another lifetime, but it was just about 3 months ago. It is amazing what the mind does to help you cope I guess.
June still doesn't seem so far away, it is going to be bittersweet for me. I was due on June 4th a day and week that I am not really looking forward to for what was supposed to happen. I am going to see Phish on June 4th and 5th and that is something I am looking forward to. June is also right around the time that we can start to try again. It seems like in June it is almost full circle. We can try to conceive again in the same month that our baby girl should have been born. It's a tough one, but maybe the best way to honor her is to be able to conceive. Part of me wishes it would happen in June just because of what it would mean, I am not quite sure I can explain it. I guess the best way would be that it would really make me feel like Lia is up there and looking after us. In a way it would be like she was coming back to us or sending us a new little soul at the same time she should have been born to us. Does it make sense? I don't know, but somehow it seems comforting to me. Time will tell...Time...that is a whole other story, maybe another day.
This weekend will be a tough one for me. Saturday was supposed to be my baby shower. I can't help but think that I should have a big belly right now and be due in just about two months, but I am not. Again, I get the feeling that I was pregnant in another lifetime, but it was just about 3 months ago. It is amazing what the mind does to help you cope I guess.
June still doesn't seem so far away, it is going to be bittersweet for me. I was due on June 4th a day and week that I am not really looking forward to for what was supposed to happen. I am going to see Phish on June 4th and 5th and that is something I am looking forward to. June is also right around the time that we can start to try again. It seems like in June it is almost full circle. We can try to conceive again in the same month that our baby girl should have been born. It's a tough one, but maybe the best way to honor her is to be able to conceive. Part of me wishes it would happen in June just because of what it would mean, I am not quite sure I can explain it. I guess the best way would be that it would really make me feel like Lia is up there and looking after us. In a way it would be like she was coming back to us or sending us a new little soul at the same time she should have been born to us. Does it make sense? I don't know, but somehow it seems comforting to me. Time will tell...Time...that is a whole other story, maybe another day.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
at one glance (poem)
At one glance we loved her oh so much
We did not want to let her go
We knew we did not have a choice
Her cry we'll never know
We held her in our arms so tight
So precious and so small
Her tiny hand curled just so
her voice will never call
We did not get to hear her cry
instead it was our tears
we fell in love in an instant
and would not get the years
We know that she is with us
each and everyday
She watches over mom and dad
and smiles when we play
We know she wants our happiness
and our lives to move on
we will miss her so very much
she never will be gone
Always in our hearts she'll be
her light shining strong
She will give the strength we need
The wind will be her song
We will see her in the sunset
and in the oceans ebb and flow
in the twilight of the night
in the soft moons glow
The flowers blooming in the spring
The summers blowing breeze
The colors of the autumn leaves
fluffy snowflakes falling with ease
All of the wonders all around
Will remind us of her stay
As brief as it was on this earth
We will be together again one day
We did not want to let her go
We knew we did not have a choice
Her cry we'll never know
We held her in our arms so tight
So precious and so small
Her tiny hand curled just so
her voice will never call
We did not get to hear her cry
instead it was our tears
we fell in love in an instant
and would not get the years
We know that she is with us
each and everyday
She watches over mom and dad
and smiles when we play
We know she wants our happiness
and our lives to move on
we will miss her so very much
she never will be gone
Always in our hearts she'll be
her light shining strong
She will give the strength we need
The wind will be her song
We will see her in the sunset
and in the oceans ebb and flow
in the twilight of the night
in the soft moons glow
The flowers blooming in the spring
The summers blowing breeze
The colors of the autumn leaves
fluffy snowflakes falling with ease
All of the wonders all around
Will remind us of her stay
As brief as it was on this earth
We will be together again one day
Back to normal
I went for my follow up appointment with the Ob/
He let us know that we have to wait 2 months before we can start trying again. As much as I would like to try now, I know I am not ready emotionally or physically. I think that 2 months is a good amount of time. I also think that is what I was preparing for before the surgery. I was thinking June, which it will almost be. I am anxious for it to be here for so many reasons.
I don't think that I have mixed feeling about conceiving again, I know it is what I want to do. I just have a lot of feelings about it in general. I am excited because I want a family and conceiving is what I have to do to get there. I am nervous on many levels, first I guess I am afraid it is going to take a very long time to conceive. Second, I am nervous about the whole idea of being pregnant again. I was pretty nervous the first time, but I have a strong feeling that this time is going to be worse. I am very in tune to my body and now I think even more so. The innocence of being pregnant without complication has long gone and now I know what could happen and how fast it can happen. I am terrified to go through something like this again and I pray that it will not happen. It is I think the thing that scares me the most, but not enough to say that it is not worth trying again.
I will be going back to work on Monday and that makes me a little nervous. I know that I have the flexibility at my job to take breaks when necessary which is a good thing. I also know that I have the support of friends and administration within the buildings that I work. I am glad that I only have a week and a half to work before the Easter vacation.
He let us know that we have to wait 2 months before we can start trying again. As much as I would like to try now, I know I am not ready emotionally or physically. I think that 2 months is a good amount of time. I also think that is what I was preparing for before the surgery. I was thinking June, which it will almost be. I am anxious for it to be here for so many reasons.
I don't think that I have mixed feeling about conceiving again, I know it is what I want to do. I just have a lot of feelings about it in general. I am excited because I want a family and conceiving is what I have to do to get there. I am nervous on many levels, first I guess I am afraid it is going to take a very long time to conceive. Second, I am nervous about the whole idea of being pregnant again. I was pretty nervous the first time, but I have a strong feeling that this time is going to be worse. I am very in tune to my body and now I think even more so. The innocence of being pregnant without complication has long gone and now I know what could happen and how fast it can happen. I am terrified to go through something like this again and I pray that it will not happen. It is I think the thing that scares me the most, but not enough to say that it is not worth trying again.
I will be going back to work on Monday and that makes me a little nervous. I know that I have the flexibility at my job to take breaks when necessary which is a good thing. I also know that I have the support of friends and administration within the buildings that I work. I am glad that I only have a week and a half to work before the Easter vacation.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Feeling better
I look back and I really can't believe all that has happened in the past 2 1/2 months. I was pregnant, and now I am not. I lost my baby girl and gained insight and friendships. I had surgery that was not what I bargained for and I am hopeful. I have tried to reflect on the positive rather than focus on the negative, but it is difficult sometimes. I think I am doing a pretty good job of it.
The emotional roller coaster seems to be a little less manic than it was. I still have my moments or hours, but they are not so bad. I still get sad, but I can be happy too. I can be happy and not feel bad about being happy which is a pretty good thing. My head is in a better place than it was before the surgery. I feel a huge relief to have gotten through the surgery and now am able to move forward. The surgery was a huge turning point for me. I now know that I am working toward my ultimate goal which is to have a baby. I am not sure when that will happen yet, or if I am even ready or will be ready when the doctor says I can, but just knowing that it is in my hands makes all the difference to me.
Right now I am healing both physically and emotionally. This whole situation has definitely taken its toll on me, but I truly believe that I am a better person because of it. Lia Rose has taught me about myself in so many ways in the short amount of time that I had her and I am grateful for that. She will always be remembered in my heart as my little angel. I miss her so much. I think about how I should have been feeling her kick inside me and when that used to make me want to cry, now it makes me sad, but somehow, I can crack a smile through that sadness. In my head I talk to her when I am alone. I tell her how I want to give her a brother or a sister and hopefully both, but not at the same time. I also tell her that I know she is watching over us, our very own guardian angel. These are things that 2 months ago were so hard for me to think about without tears coming to my eyes or sobbing for hours. Now, a tear may trickle, but I can move on. Life moves on, but it does not get forgotten.
I will remember Lia in all my friends who are having children this year. I will know that I could have had a child too. It is hard, but I am learning to deal with it. I wonder what it will be like when I have a child of my own, but still know that my baby girl should have been going to kindergarten or graduating from high school. I do not want a replacement for Lia, no one could replace her, but like I said, I want siblings for her. My children will grow up to know that they have a big sister in heaven looking out for them.
I miss her, but God had bigger plans for her.
"An angel opened the book of life
to write down our baby's birth
and whispered as the book was closed
too beautiful for this earth"
The emotional roller coaster seems to be a little less manic than it was. I still have my moments or hours, but they are not so bad. I still get sad, but I can be happy too. I can be happy and not feel bad about being happy which is a pretty good thing. My head is in a better place than it was before the surgery. I feel a huge relief to have gotten through the surgery and now am able to move forward. The surgery was a huge turning point for me. I now know that I am working toward my ultimate goal which is to have a baby. I am not sure when that will happen yet, or if I am even ready or will be ready when the doctor says I can, but just knowing that it is in my hands makes all the difference to me.
Right now I am healing both physically and emotionally. This whole situation has definitely taken its toll on me, but I truly believe that I am a better person because of it. Lia Rose has taught me about myself in so many ways in the short amount of time that I had her and I am grateful for that. She will always be remembered in my heart as my little angel. I miss her so much. I think about how I should have been feeling her kick inside me and when that used to make me want to cry, now it makes me sad, but somehow, I can crack a smile through that sadness. In my head I talk to her when I am alone. I tell her how I want to give her a brother or a sister and hopefully both, but not at the same time. I also tell her that I know she is watching over us, our very own guardian angel. These are things that 2 months ago were so hard for me to think about without tears coming to my eyes or sobbing for hours. Now, a tear may trickle, but I can move on. Life moves on, but it does not get forgotten.
I will remember Lia in all my friends who are having children this year. I will know that I could have had a child too. It is hard, but I am learning to deal with it. I wonder what it will be like when I have a child of my own, but still know that my baby girl should have been going to kindergarten or graduating from high school. I do not want a replacement for Lia, no one could replace her, but like I said, I want siblings for her. My children will grow up to know that they have a big sister in heaven looking out for them.
I miss her, but God had bigger plans for her.
"An angel opened the book of life
to write down our baby's birth
and whispered as the book was closed
too beautiful for this earth"
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Recovering
Recovering from surgery stinks! Especially when you are a fairly active person. I am finding it tough to constantly be resting. I am an active person and I like to be busy. I am always busy at work and constantly on the go, so resting so much is hard. I can't believe how much leg muscle I have lost already.
I had to come home with a catheter. I came home on a Saturday afternoon and the catheter wasn't removed until Wednesday. I believe that I would be in better shape right now had I not come home with that. It was awful, emotionally and physically. It was a huge relief when it came out and I felt like that was the beginning of my true recovery from this surgery. Once it came out I was able to be a bit more mobile and did not need as much help, but still needed help.
I also came home very bruised due to the clotting that occurred in the hospital, part of the reason I needed the second surgery. The bruising is significantly less than it was and the soreness is much better now.
Today the incision decided to ooze. It pretty much scared the crap out of me this morning. I called the doctors service and then ended up calling the office. I spoke to the nurse who told me to come in to see the nurse practitioner. She said the incision is healing well and that she is not concerned and that it is a "normal" part of the healing process. I was relieved, but it is annoying because every time I move around it oozes. It is good that it is coming out though.
I was a little annoyed today because I really wanted to go to Homegoods...apparently God does not want me to go shopping. I could use a little retail therapy at the moment.
All in all I am feeling much better than I was. It feels good to be feeling better each day. The emotional recovery has also been good, but I have already talked about that. I would have liked to get out today aside from going to the doctor, but that's ok. Maybe tomorrow I will be better.
The oozing continued the next day, and got redder so I called the office and asked to see the doctor. Of course it has lessened significantly through the day, but had another ooze right before I went. I went in at 2:30 and he checked it out. He had a concern that there was something forming under the incision and pressed all around the incision and directly on it. Nothing came out and he did not feel anything. He was pleased with how it was healing and was very surprised at how much of the bruising was gone. He thought that I would be bruised for weeks. There hasn't been any oozing since I went to him and I am hoping that it stays that way. He put new steri strips on and I will go back on Tuesday.
I am hoping to have a good day today and maybe even get out for a little bit. That would really be nice. I'd love to go someplace other than the doctors office.
I had to come home with a catheter. I came home on a Saturday afternoon and the catheter wasn't removed until Wednesday. I believe that I would be in better shape right now had I not come home with that. It was awful, emotionally and physically. It was a huge relief when it came out and I felt like that was the beginning of my true recovery from this surgery. Once it came out I was able to be a bit more mobile and did not need as much help, but still needed help.
I also came home very bruised due to the clotting that occurred in the hospital, part of the reason I needed the second surgery. The bruising is significantly less than it was and the soreness is much better now.
Today the incision decided to ooze. It pretty much scared the crap out of me this morning. I called the doctors service and then ended up calling the office. I spoke to the nurse who told me to come in to see the nurse practitioner. She said the incision is healing well and that she is not concerned and that it is a "normal" part of the healing process. I was relieved, but it is annoying because every time I move around it oozes. It is good that it is coming out though.
I was a little annoyed today because I really wanted to go to Homegoods...apparently God does not want me to go shopping. I could use a little retail therapy at the moment.
All in all I am feeling much better than I was. It feels good to be feeling better each day. The emotional recovery has also been good, but I have already talked about that. I would have liked to get out today aside from going to the doctor, but that's ok. Maybe tomorrow I will be better.
The oozing continued the next day, and got redder so I called the office and asked to see the doctor. Of course it has lessened significantly through the day, but had another ooze right before I went. I went in at 2:30 and he checked it out. He had a concern that there was something forming under the incision and pressed all around the incision and directly on it. Nothing came out and he did not feel anything. He was pleased with how it was healing and was very surprised at how much of the bruising was gone. He thought that I would be bruised for weeks. There hasn't been any oozing since I went to him and I am hoping that it stays that way. He put new steri strips on and I will go back on Tuesday.
I am hoping to have a good day today and maybe even get out for a little bit. That would really be nice. I'd love to go someplace other than the doctors office.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Good People
During the past two months John and I have dealt with many people and professionals in various fields. We have truly appreciated the compassion and care that we have received. We have experienced the true goodness of these people and have a new appreciation for the jobs that they do.
In January, when I was admitted into the hospital, the nursing staff was amazing. They were always there when I called even for the smallest thing or question. Then the miscarriage happened. The two nurses who were my nurses that night never left me. They were there until my family got there and were constantly checking in. Debbie was amazing. She was there with comforting words and compassion and telling me how strong that I was. She spoke to us about holding our baby and really made our decision so easy. She just made it seem that it was the best thing to do. We were so scared and she comforted us and gave us the support that we needed to make that decision. She came in with a little box of items that belonged to our baby girl, her hat, and a pillow a small gold ring or bracelet (I am not sure which), her footprint on a card, and a little book to write some memories in. She also let us know that there were pictures if we wanted them and they would be placed in our file. We didn't know what we would do and weren't sure if we wanted pictures. The next night we asked for them in the middle of the night and she had them ready the next morning. They give you a print out as well as a CD with the pictures on it. It is a treasure to have it as difficult as it is.
I had my pre-surgical appointment the week before the surgery and the nurses that worked with me there were great as well. I explained to the first nurse the situation and she expressed to me that she had a miscarriage as well. She said that she prayed for that soul to be sent back to her and she believed that it was in her next baby. Another nurse had come in to do blood work and she immediately was drawn to my necklace. It is inscribed with the words "at first glance I loved you with a thousand hearts." I saw it and new that it was perfect. She thought it was beautiful and then when I explained the significance it brought tears to her eyes. We were all crying by the time we left. I saw her again the day of surgery in the pre-surgical area and she came over and talked to us for 10-15 minutes. She aske if I had my necklace and I told her that John did. She expressed how her and the other nurse were wrecks the rest of that day and that they were still talking about me. It really touched me.
The nurses in recovery were amazing as well. They were right there whenever I needed them and were running around a little crazy due to the complications that I was having. Mary, one of the nurses was on through the first surgery, but not after the second. She called twice after the second surgery to see how I was doing. Then she came up to my room the next day to check on me. Again, I was touched. It made me feel good that she took the time to come up and see me.
The floor nurses on maternity were amazing both times that I was there. They were always there within a few minutes of my call and were so compassionate, caring and attentive. They answered questions and eased my mind about so many things. They shared some of their own experiences and they just were wonderful.
The doctor has been awesome. He is so compassionate and truly understands the situation and my nervousness about everything. He has returned phone calls at all hours and put my mind at ease so many times. I have stumped him a little and he is being incredibly proactive in his dealings with me at the moment. He wants to rule out some different things as he said, for his own peace of mind.
I have dealt with so many more people who have been amazing. It is so encouraging and helpful when going through a situation like this to have people who care. People who understand and are compassionate and are willing to listen to your fears and anxieties. People who can see without you saying that you are scared and nervous. The people that have taken care of me have helped me get through.
In January, when I was admitted into the hospital, the nursing staff was amazing. They were always there when I called even for the smallest thing or question. Then the miscarriage happened. The two nurses who were my nurses that night never left me. They were there until my family got there and were constantly checking in. Debbie was amazing. She was there with comforting words and compassion and telling me how strong that I was. She spoke to us about holding our baby and really made our decision so easy. She just made it seem that it was the best thing to do. We were so scared and she comforted us and gave us the support that we needed to make that decision. She came in with a little box of items that belonged to our baby girl, her hat, and a pillow a small gold ring or bracelet (I am not sure which), her footprint on a card, and a little book to write some memories in. She also let us know that there were pictures if we wanted them and they would be placed in our file. We didn't know what we would do and weren't sure if we wanted pictures. The next night we asked for them in the middle of the night and she had them ready the next morning. They give you a print out as well as a CD with the pictures on it. It is a treasure to have it as difficult as it is.
I had my pre-surgical appointment the week before the surgery and the nurses that worked with me there were great as well. I explained to the first nurse the situation and she expressed to me that she had a miscarriage as well. She said that she prayed for that soul to be sent back to her and she believed that it was in her next baby. Another nurse had come in to do blood work and she immediately was drawn to my necklace. It is inscribed with the words "at first glance I loved you with a thousand hearts." I saw it and new that it was perfect. She thought it was beautiful and then when I explained the significance it brought tears to her eyes. We were all crying by the time we left. I saw her again the day of surgery in the pre-surgical area and she came over and talked to us for 10-15 minutes. She aske if I had my necklace and I told her that John did. She expressed how her and the other nurse were wrecks the rest of that day and that they were still talking about me. It really touched me.
The nurses in recovery were amazing as well. They were right there whenever I needed them and were running around a little crazy due to the complications that I was having. Mary, one of the nurses was on through the first surgery, but not after the second. She called twice after the second surgery to see how I was doing. Then she came up to my room the next day to check on me. Again, I was touched. It made me feel good that she took the time to come up and see me.
The floor nurses on maternity were amazing both times that I was there. They were always there within a few minutes of my call and were so compassionate, caring and attentive. They answered questions and eased my mind about so many things. They shared some of their own experiences and they just were wonderful.
The doctor has been awesome. He is so compassionate and truly understands the situation and my nervousness about everything. He has returned phone calls at all hours and put my mind at ease so many times. I have stumped him a little and he is being incredibly proactive in his dealings with me at the moment. He wants to rule out some different things as he said, for his own peace of mind.
I have dealt with so many more people who have been amazing. It is so encouraging and helpful when going through a situation like this to have people who care. People who understand and are compassionate and are willing to listen to your fears and anxieties. People who can see without you saying that you are scared and nervous. The people that have taken care of me have helped me get through.
Monday, March 16, 2009
What Makes a Mother?
This is a poem that a friend sent me and it has really helped me. I still can't read it without a tear rolling down my cheek.
What Makes a Mother?
It really states how I feel. I am a mother, my child is not with me, not yet. I have one in heaven. I do love her so much. I can now look at her picture and smile. I am so glad that we got to hold her. It is amazing that you fall instantly in love, even when you cannot bring them home. I know that one day I will bring a child home. I hope it is one day soon. John and I are good parents. I know that we are.
What Makes a Mother?
It really states how I feel. I am a mother, my child is not with me, not yet. I have one in heaven. I do love her so much. I can now look at her picture and smile. I am so glad that we got to hold her. It is amazing that you fall instantly in love, even when you cannot bring them home. I know that one day I will bring a child home. I hope it is one day soon. John and I are good parents. I know that we are.
New beginnings
As I am recovering from my surgery I feel as if a weight is being lifted from my shoulders. I don't feel quite so stuck any more. I feel like I am moving forward and with that am able to move on. The events that have occurred over the past two months have greatly affected me and will continue to affect me for years to come. I have learned about myself and others and it has been eye opening in so many ways. I truly feel that the close of the chapter has come and that this is the beginning of a new one.
With these events has come a new appreciation for people and the difficulties that they may have. It has shown me how truly good people are and can be. It has also shown me that some are selfish and not able to be there. It has helped me to see what it is that I truly want and need through my friendships. I now know more than ever how wonderful it is to have the support of family and friends. People have had such an outpouring of support it has been quite overwhelming. I am still trying to absorb it all.
I know that I would not be able to get through this without the support of these people. I have become a stronger person through the support of everyone. I think that Lia Rose would be proud of her Mom and Dad and how they are handling the obstacles that have come in their way. She taught us so much in her short time here and I hope that the people she has touched along the way will not forget that. I know that we will not. We will make her proud to be our daughter and I know that one day we will see her again.
Spring is almost here with that comes new beginnings and new life. I know that John and I will be blessed with new life in the year to come. I am scared, but I excited for the day to be here. I know that I will be nervous and I guess rightly so, but I also know that I am in good hands. I am excited for all the good to come, but will never forget what we have gone through. If anything it makes you appreciate your life and life in general, how precious it is. You never know when it is your time. No one ever thinks a child should die, especially an unborn child, but I have to think that Lia Rose was just not born to this earth. She was born to heaven and that must take someone very special. She has bigger things in store for her. I wonder if I will know what they are one day.
With these events has come a new appreciation for people and the difficulties that they may have. It has shown me how truly good people are and can be. It has also shown me that some are selfish and not able to be there. It has helped me to see what it is that I truly want and need through my friendships. I now know more than ever how wonderful it is to have the support of family and friends. People have had such an outpouring of support it has been quite overwhelming. I am still trying to absorb it all.
I know that I would not be able to get through this without the support of these people. I have become a stronger person through the support of everyone. I think that Lia Rose would be proud of her Mom and Dad and how they are handling the obstacles that have come in their way. She taught us so much in her short time here and I hope that the people she has touched along the way will not forget that. I know that we will not. We will make her proud to be our daughter and I know that one day we will see her again.
Spring is almost here with that comes new beginnings and new life. I know that John and I will be blessed with new life in the year to come. I am scared, but I excited for the day to be here. I know that I will be nervous and I guess rightly so, but I also know that I am in good hands. I am excited for all the good to come, but will never forget what we have gone through. If anything it makes you appreciate your life and life in general, how precious it is. You never know when it is your time. No one ever thinks a child should die, especially an unborn child, but I have to think that Lia Rose was just not born to this earth. She was born to heaven and that must take someone very special. She has bigger things in store for her. I wonder if I will know what they are one day.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Taboo
As I have been going through this experience, it seems that the whole idea of miscarriage is taboo. It is like a secret club that you really don't want to be a member of. You have a miscarriage and suddenly there are people telling you about their experiences with miscarriage. It is like all of a sudden you are able to handle these stories. I believe that if women and men could be open about it and it were spoken about, it could be handled so much better.
I went to the library to get some books out about miscarriage. I didn't want to buy them because I just didn't want to dwell, I wanted to read and then give it back. Well, the library had maybe 2 books and one of them was from 1972. The bookstores are not much better, they have 1 book stocked if that, otherwise you have to order on-line and there still are not that many.
John and I are going to therapy and I said to the therapist how little information there was out there and she agreed. The support groups are also few and far between. We have to travel about 30 minutes if we want to get to one. They are also so broad covering early pregnancy loss to early infant loss. I feel they are all different and the groups should be split up.
I wish that people could speak about this more openly. It is a terrible thing, but if people are open about it, more people would understand and be able to handle it better. It happens to so many women that it is actually frightening. I can count 9 out of 11 girls I know that it has happened to. It seems like a whole lot more than 1 in 4.
I am going to talk to my therapist some more about this, she did say she wanted to talk about it at a later time. I wonder if she has a thought of something I can do. I wonder if I will be able to do something. Time will tell...
I went to the library to get some books out about miscarriage. I didn't want to buy them because I just didn't want to dwell, I wanted to read and then give it back. Well, the library had maybe 2 books and one of them was from 1972. The bookstores are not much better, they have 1 book stocked if that, otherwise you have to order on-line and there still are not that many.
John and I are going to therapy and I said to the therapist how little information there was out there and she agreed. The support groups are also few and far between. We have to travel about 30 minutes if we want to get to one. They are also so broad covering early pregnancy loss to early infant loss. I feel they are all different and the groups should be split up.
I wish that people could speak about this more openly. It is a terrible thing, but if people are open about it, more people would understand and be able to handle it better. It happens to so many women that it is actually frightening. I can count 9 out of 11 girls I know that it has happened to. It seems like a whole lot more than 1 in 4.
I am going to talk to my therapist some more about this, she did say she wanted to talk about it at a later time. I wonder if she has a thought of something I can do. I wonder if I will be able to do something. Time will tell...
Friday, March 13, 2009
The Hospital
I had a room to myself the first two nights that I was in the hospital. John slept in a chair next to my bed. After leaving me in the hospital the last time I was there, he was not leaving me again. The day after surgery was an ok day. I was not in as much pain as I thought I would be and was able to get up and move around a little. I was uncomfortable, but it was manageable in the hospital.
The doctor came into see us and explained some more things to us. I am still confused by what happened in surgery, but there were issues with clotting and I am going to be tested for some blood disorders. He said that the fibroids were the major cause of the miscarriage, but if I do have something like what he wants to test me for, that could have been another contributing factor. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful.
Friday the doctor was in again. He came in the morning to take out my drain and said I would likely be going home that afternoon. The nurse came in a bit later to check on the dressing where he removed the drain and it hadn't stopped bleeding yet. She put another dressing on it and that one didn't stop it either. The doctor was called and they watched it most of the morning. His intern came in a put a special dressing on it, which didn't work either. The doctor had to come in to and put three stitches in.
When the doctor came in we had the world baseball classic on TV. He walked in and said, "world baseball classic, very impressive." Him and John talked baseball for a bit while he was getting things together. He left and came back in with his scrubs on and my mom said something about me being his little grenade because he had called me that the day before in the recovery room. He stitched me with John standing next to the bed while watching the baseball classic and discussing players. It was a pretty funny scene. Then the doctor said to the nurse how I had been through 2 months of hell. John turned to the doctor and said, "in a couple of months you might be going through 9 months of hell." The doctor laughed and told us whatever we needed. It made me feel good.
Prior to the doctor coming in they had a hematologist come in for a consult and they ran some tests. The global tests they ran did not come back with anything abnormal. The hematologist asked about 1o questions and said that he didn't believe that I had any type of blood disorder. The doctor, however, wants to run some more tests. I am glad that he does. He said he wants to do it for his own peace of mind. It will be good for mine too. The doctor has really been fantastic.
I stayed in the hospital for one more night and went home Saturday afternoon. I showered at the hospital and it felt really good, but was a pain with the catheter. Coming home with that was a pain too. It is out now...thank goodness.
I go back to the doctor on the 24th so I am home from work until then. It is kind of weird for me to be home and sitting in bed. I am not used to all this sitting around.
The doctor came into see us and explained some more things to us. I am still confused by what happened in surgery, but there were issues with clotting and I am going to be tested for some blood disorders. He said that the fibroids were the major cause of the miscarriage, but if I do have something like what he wants to test me for, that could have been another contributing factor. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful.
Friday the doctor was in again. He came in the morning to take out my drain and said I would likely be going home that afternoon. The nurse came in a bit later to check on the dressing where he removed the drain and it hadn't stopped bleeding yet. She put another dressing on it and that one didn't stop it either. The doctor was called and they watched it most of the morning. His intern came in a put a special dressing on it, which didn't work either. The doctor had to come in to and put three stitches in.
When the doctor came in we had the world baseball classic on TV. He walked in and said, "world baseball classic, very impressive." Him and John talked baseball for a bit while he was getting things together. He left and came back in with his scrubs on and my mom said something about me being his little grenade because he had called me that the day before in the recovery room. He stitched me with John standing next to the bed while watching the baseball classic and discussing players. It was a pretty funny scene. Then the doctor said to the nurse how I had been through 2 months of hell. John turned to the doctor and said, "in a couple of months you might be going through 9 months of hell." The doctor laughed and told us whatever we needed. It made me feel good.
Prior to the doctor coming in they had a hematologist come in for a consult and they ran some tests. The global tests they ran did not come back with anything abnormal. The hematologist asked about 1o questions and said that he didn't believe that I had any type of blood disorder. The doctor, however, wants to run some more tests. I am glad that he does. He said he wants to do it for his own peace of mind. It will be good for mine too. The doctor has really been fantastic.
I stayed in the hospital for one more night and went home Saturday afternoon. I showered at the hospital and it felt really good, but was a pain with the catheter. Coming home with that was a pain too. It is out now...thank goodness.
I go back to the doctor on the 24th so I am home from work until then. It is kind of weird for me to be home and sitting in bed. I am not used to all this sitting around.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
A piece of cake?
I just got back from the hospital on Saturday afternoon. Everything is fine now, but is was a rough few days. I got to the hospital Wednesday morning at 8am. I was a wreck...I was told that my surgery was at 10, but then there were delays. I didn't go into surgery until 12:04. They called the time in the OR. The doctors were all great. I came out of surgery and well, remember nothing and that was exactly how it should be.
In the recovery I learned that my surgery was not the "piece of cake" the doctor thought that it would be. It did not take 30 minutes, but and hour and a half. My fibroids were larger than he anticipated. One of them was closing in on my ovary and the other which was the size of my uterus was adhered to my bladder. There was a third one, but that was small and unproblematic by comparison. In the surgery when removing the fibroid attached to my bladder, my bladder was "nicked." A repair was done during the surgery at least that is what I understand.
Now, I am in recovery, I get to see John and my family. The nurses are running around, apparently the nick in my bladder is causing complications. I had a catheter and well, my urine was not clearing up. They were flushing it out and it should have been clearing and it was not. I was still bleeding. They were in contact with the OB and a urologist. The urologist had to come in and perform another surgery. He had to cauterize my bladder, not a huge procedure, but I still had to go under anesthesia again. In the meantime, I have my morphine drip, that I am able to just push the button. All of a sudden my incision really starts to hurt. The nurse looks at it and gets the OB. The OB looks at it and his face scared the crap out of me. He then said it just doesn't make any sense. Apparently there was some issues with clotting under the incision. He would also have to go back into surgery to fix it. So the quick procedure turned into at least an hour long one.
In between these two surgeries the doctor explained to me that he wants to have me tested for blood disorders because of what was going on with both the bladder and the incision. What the doctor did not tell me at that time was that if there was an issue with the blood it could have been a secondary factor causing the miscarriage. The fibroid was definitely the main factor, but without that, if I do have something going on with my blood I could have lost the baby too. As we were getting prepared for the second surgery the doctor said to me, "for someone so cute, you are like a little grenade." I thought it was pretty funny, I was glad I could find something funny at that moment.
So two surgeries later on a surgery that was supposed to be, "a piece of cake" I was finally on my way up to the room. On the way I waved to my family and our friends Jody and Leslie, who have been amazing. The stopped at the hospital and brought food even though the knew that they wouldn't really be able to see me. I got to my room and there were already flowers there from Brittney and Craig. I had no roommate so John spent the night with me in a hospital chair next to my bed. The poor guy. I was just relieved that it was over and I am sure that he was too.
In the recovery I learned that my surgery was not the "piece of cake" the doctor thought that it would be. It did not take 30 minutes, but and hour and a half. My fibroids were larger than he anticipated. One of them was closing in on my ovary and the other which was the size of my uterus was adhered to my bladder. There was a third one, but that was small and unproblematic by comparison. In the surgery when removing the fibroid attached to my bladder, my bladder was "nicked." A repair was done during the surgery at least that is what I understand.
Now, I am in recovery, I get to see John and my family. The nurses are running around, apparently the nick in my bladder is causing complications. I had a catheter and well, my urine was not clearing up. They were flushing it out and it should have been clearing and it was not. I was still bleeding. They were in contact with the OB and a urologist. The urologist had to come in and perform another surgery. He had to cauterize my bladder, not a huge procedure, but I still had to go under anesthesia again. In the meantime, I have my morphine drip, that I am able to just push the button. All of a sudden my incision really starts to hurt. The nurse looks at it and gets the OB. The OB looks at it and his face scared the crap out of me. He then said it just doesn't make any sense. Apparently there was some issues with clotting under the incision. He would also have to go back into surgery to fix it. So the quick procedure turned into at least an hour long one.
In between these two surgeries the doctor explained to me that he wants to have me tested for blood disorders because of what was going on with both the bladder and the incision. What the doctor did not tell me at that time was that if there was an issue with the blood it could have been a secondary factor causing the miscarriage. The fibroid was definitely the main factor, but without that, if I do have something going on with my blood I could have lost the baby too. As we were getting prepared for the second surgery the doctor said to me, "for someone so cute, you are like a little grenade." I thought it was pretty funny, I was glad I could find something funny at that moment.
So two surgeries later on a surgery that was supposed to be, "a piece of cake" I was finally on my way up to the room. On the way I waved to my family and our friends Jody and Leslie, who have been amazing. The stopped at the hospital and brought food even though the knew that they wouldn't really be able to see me. I got to my room and there were already flowers there from Brittney and Craig. I had no roommate so John spent the night with me in a hospital chair next to my bed. The poor guy. I was just relieved that it was over and I am sure that he was too.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Surgery and Angels
Today I am having surgery to remove the fibroid that caused the miscarriage as well as the other ones that are in and around my uterus. I have to be at the hospital at 8 AM. I am pretty nervous, but I am hopeful. I know in my heart that all will go well. It has to go well. I just want to know for sure that it did. The doctor is extremely positive and believes that this will go well. I have put my faith in God and him. It is in their hands. My doctor has been amazing and truly understands, but that is a story for another time.
In the meantime, I know that my angel Lia Rose, is really watching over us. Yesterday, we got a phone call that her grave marker is there. I wanted to drive right to the cemetery to see it, but I couldn't. I truly feel that the timing of that being there is perfect. It feels like this whole chapter is coming to a close. I believe in these little signs that happen and I feel like this is another one.
It is comforting that everything at the cemetery is settled. I am going into surgery today and that will be settled. Soon I will be on my way to my goal, which is to start a family. John and I were meant to be parents. We already are parents. I believe it takes special people to be parents to an angel.
In the meantime, I know that my angel Lia Rose, is really watching over us. Yesterday, we got a phone call that her grave marker is there. I wanted to drive right to the cemetery to see it, but I couldn't. I truly feel that the timing of that being there is perfect. It feels like this whole chapter is coming to a close. I believe in these little signs that happen and I feel like this is another one.
It is comforting that everything at the cemetery is settled. I am going into surgery today and that will be settled. Soon I will be on my way to my goal, which is to start a family. John and I were meant to be parents. We already are parents. I believe it takes special people to be parents to an angel.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Hope
On February 2nd it had been one month since the loss of Lia Rose. It was a Monday and I was at work. It was a pretty difficult day. I went through the motions of the day and tried to hold it together the best that I could. The week was not shaping up to be much better. I just had one bad day after another, it was awful. On Friday I had to stay late for a movie night at work. I was a mess, the tears didn't want to stop that afternoon. You sometimes feel that you can't possibly cry anymore tears because there couldn't be any more left. There always are and the often come when you least expect them.
The tears kept coming that afternoon and I asked John to meet me for dinner because I just really needed to see him. I had been in and out of my rooms at least 20 times that afternoon. I just couldn't stay focused. I felt like a kid with ADD. When I was leaving for dinner I saw this little silver thing on the floor. I picked it up and it was a charm from a necklace or bracelet. Nothing fancy just a little oval, but on it was the word "hope." I sat down and started to cry as I looked out of the window into the sky and said "thank you."
I believe that was my sign from my baby girl Lia Rose. It was a sign that she was doing just fine up there in heaven and also that John and I were going to be o.k. She sent us hope, something that we both needed desperately. I continue to hold on to that hope the best that I can, although, I do keep asking her to send me some more. At dinner I showed the charm to John and through tears told him the story. With a smile through tears I told him that we were going to be o.k, and I know that we will be as hard as it is to believe sometimes.
I believe that I will always be connected to Lia Rose and that signs will be there for me in times when I need them the most. She is with me all the time and a part of me is with her. She is our guardian angel, our daughter, in heaven who will watch over us for the rest of our lives.
The tears kept coming that afternoon and I asked John to meet me for dinner because I just really needed to see him. I had been in and out of my rooms at least 20 times that afternoon. I just couldn't stay focused. I felt like a kid with ADD. When I was leaving for dinner I saw this little silver thing on the floor. I picked it up and it was a charm from a necklace or bracelet. Nothing fancy just a little oval, but on it was the word "hope." I sat down and started to cry as I looked out of the window into the sky and said "thank you."
I believe that was my sign from my baby girl Lia Rose. It was a sign that she was doing just fine up there in heaven and also that John and I were going to be o.k. She sent us hope, something that we both needed desperately. I continue to hold on to that hope the best that I can, although, I do keep asking her to send me some more. At dinner I showed the charm to John and through tears told him the story. With a smile through tears I told him that we were going to be o.k, and I know that we will be as hard as it is to believe sometimes.
I believe that I will always be connected to Lia Rose and that signs will be there for me in times when I need them the most. She is with me all the time and a part of me is with her. She is our guardian angel, our daughter, in heaven who will watch over us for the rest of our lives.
The waiting game
I have had ups and downs and rightly so. I take three steps forward and two steps back all the time. My friend Liz tells me that you are still taking a step forward though, and she is right. Today it is two months since we lost our baby girl Lia Rose. There have been many things that have happened since then. I have grown as a person in so many ways. I have learned that I am strong, much stronger than I ever thought that I could be. I thank my grandmother for that. I like to picture her and Lia playing in heaven.
Since this has happened I feel like I am in limbo. I am grieving a loss that many people do not even fully comprehend. It is hard for people who have not had this experience to fully understand. Medically we had a miscarriage, however, in two weeks it would have been considered a still birth. We would have gotten a death certificate. In my head, this was closer to a still birth. We held a perfect child and many people do truly understand that. I am waiting for surgery so that this does not happen again. I also have to wait before I can start to try again. I am playing the waiting game and time is my enemy. It does not want to budge!
I am fortunate to have such a great support system. The majority of people have been fantastic. They have been there with an ear or to take me out. People have sent flowers and cards and food. The support has been wonderful and much appreciated. It has really helped us to see the goodness in people and that they truly want to help. My friend Lindsay and her boyfriend drove down from Plymouth, Mass to spend less than 24 hours with us. They made sure that we went out and had fun.
Through this all I still wait. I wait for the sadness to lessen and the pain to get better. I wait to feel true happiness again. I wait and wait. I wait for my body to heal. I wait for my soul to heal. I wait for the MRI results and I wait for surgery. I wait for a new beginning. I am hoping that this surgery is a new beginning for me. It is the start of a new and much better chapter of my life and the close of a difficult and sad one. I wait to try again. I wait and wait and wait for what seems like a lifetime.
Since this has happened I feel like I am in limbo. I am grieving a loss that many people do not even fully comprehend. It is hard for people who have not had this experience to fully understand. Medically we had a miscarriage, however, in two weeks it would have been considered a still birth. We would have gotten a death certificate. In my head, this was closer to a still birth. We held a perfect child and many people do truly understand that. I am waiting for surgery so that this does not happen again. I also have to wait before I can start to try again. I am playing the waiting game and time is my enemy. It does not want to budge!
I am fortunate to have such a great support system. The majority of people have been fantastic. They have been there with an ear or to take me out. People have sent flowers and cards and food. The support has been wonderful and much appreciated. It has really helped us to see the goodness in people and that they truly want to help. My friend Lindsay and her boyfriend drove down from Plymouth, Mass to spend less than 24 hours with us. They made sure that we went out and had fun.
Through this all I still wait. I wait for the sadness to lessen and the pain to get better. I wait to feel true happiness again. I wait and wait. I wait for my body to heal. I wait for my soul to heal. I wait for the MRI results and I wait for surgery. I wait for a new beginning. I am hoping that this surgery is a new beginning for me. It is the start of a new and much better chapter of my life and the close of a difficult and sad one. I wait to try again. I wait and wait and wait for what seems like a lifetime.
The Service
We knew from the moment that this happened that we would bury our baby. Apparently we did not have to because at 18 weeks it is not required. After 20 weeks it is, but we held our baby and knew that she needed a "home." John had done much of the arrangements although there were not a lot of decisions to make. We had to figure out what to bury or tiny baby girl in. We were told it couldn't be too bulky because the "casket" was so small. My parents had given us a white baby blanket with a cross on it that we thought would be perfect and it was.
On January 10th we drove to the cemetery for the service. As we were driving there it was snowing these gigantic snowflakes. I was concerned about the weather and people not being there. A friend had told me to think of the snow like tiny feathers of angels wings carrying our baby girl to heaven. I did just that, now when it snows, especially those big fluffy snowflakes, it makes me think of our baby girl Lia Rose.
I was overwhelmed that day. I knew that I had to be as strong as I could, but I felt like I was falling apart on the inside. I was surrounded by friends and family. It was truly amazing that all of these people came out to support us. The service was perfect, it was short, but I felt a sense of peace when it was over. I knew that she had been blessed and people cared enough about us and her to share the most difficult day of my life with me.
We invited people back to our house and it was really good to be surrounded by people who cared. We were able to talk about our experience and share the picture we have of our baby girl. I knew she was in gods hands, but I still couldn't help wishing she was in ours. I missed her so much!
On January 10th we drove to the cemetery for the service. As we were driving there it was snowing these gigantic snowflakes. I was concerned about the weather and people not being there. A friend had told me to think of the snow like tiny feathers of angels wings carrying our baby girl to heaven. I did just that, now when it snows, especially those big fluffy snowflakes, it makes me think of our baby girl Lia Rose.
I was overwhelmed that day. I knew that I had to be as strong as I could, but I felt like I was falling apart on the inside. I was surrounded by friends and family. It was truly amazing that all of these people came out to support us. The service was perfect, it was short, but I felt a sense of peace when it was over. I knew that she had been blessed and people cared enough about us and her to share the most difficult day of my life with me.
We invited people back to our house and it was really good to be surrounded by people who cared. We were able to talk about our experience and share the picture we have of our baby girl. I knew she was in gods hands, but I still couldn't help wishing she was in ours. I missed her so much!
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