Sunday, June 21, 2009

Gifts from above

Today, Father's day, was tough. I feel so sad and heartbroken for John. We went out to breakfast this morning, stopped to pick up roses and then in the drizzly rain, drive to the cemetery. We went to visit Lia Rose, but also John's dad who is buried in the same cemetery. From his dad you can see where Lia is and and from Lia you can see where his dad is. It is the reason why we picked her spot there.

John placed a dozen orange roses at her tiny grave. He took some pictures of the marker and of the roses at the marker with his phone. While we were in the car he just said, "I should be holding my baby girl and asking my dad for help, but instead I am visiting my baby girl and my dad at the cemetery." All I could think was that this was so unfair.

John is my strength, he is my rock. Today I tried to be his. I hope that I did a good job and I don't know if I did, but I hope so. He has gotten me through the darkest and most difficult of days, through the tears that seemed endless. His arms tightly wrapped around me feels like the safest place in the world. I cannot thank him enough for all that he has done. Father's day is a difficult day when you are missing your dad and your child.

Now, on to the gifts from above. I find coins, mostly pennies, everywhere. I have a jar that I put it all in. Today, I was thinking that it would be really nice to find one and then there in the parking lot of Home Depot in the parking spot next to us was a penny. I picked it up got in the car and showed John saying, "She is thinking about us." We were then on our way to walk around the outlets near our house for a little.

We walked around for a bit and we were walking near the fountain. I turned to John and said, "Maybe I should make a wish with Lia's penny from today."

John said, "No, you always save them, I think you should save it."

No sooner did he say that when he looked down and said, "But why don't you use that Penny?"

I looked down and next to where we were standing at the fountain there was a penny. I picked it up, looked at John and said, "I think we should make a wish."

He agreed, as he held my hand and said, "Let's both wish for the same thing, but not tell each other."

I smiled at him knowing exactly what he was thinking...I hope pennies from heaven can grant wishes. We could use a rainbow.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

So sweet

Today I have been thinking about Father's Day very much. I am sad for John, who should have been a dad at this point, celebrating his first Father's Day with his beautiful baby girl. Instead we are celebrating Father's Day quietly at my parents house with no baby girl. It makes me so sad to think about it. It is yet another "hump" that we have to get over. I am hopeful that next Father's Day there will be something to celebrate.

This morning John and I were talking in bed about some of the things that need to get done in the house.

He said, "I should really finish Lia's room."

My eyes welled up with tears, not because I was so sad, but that he referred to the baby's room as Lia's room.

He apologized for saying it, but I simply told him, "It is Lia's room until it isn't. Maybe she is in there playing in the rafters."

John said, "Well then I really should finish it, I bet she would like it."

I simply smiled at him and said, "I bet she would."

It is her room right now. The room is gutted and I look in it and think of all these different things, but mostly I look in it and I think of her. I think of how excited we were and all the plans that we had. That room got put on hold, and that is ok. We will probably start it up again soon. It may be therapeutic for us to work on it. We'll do everything except paint. That will wait until there is another one on the way. Hopefully that will be soon too.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Mother's Day/Father's Day Mass

A co-worker of mine gave me a flyer from her church bulletin the week Lia was due. It was for a Mother's Day/Father's Day mass specifically for parents who have lost a child at any age from early miscarriage til adulthood. John and I decided that we would go. I cried through much of the mass, but they were good tears.

The mass was very touching and the priests homily was as well. He spoke about pictures and remembering. How the pictures can bring back the memories in an instant, but also you remember just at that spot. It is very true. I can look at our picture of Lia Rose and so many memories come flashing back into my head. The awful memory of the moment that I lost her. The memory of holding her in our arms. Memories of the excitement about going to see the sonogram pictures and memories of being excited about what the future held. I will always have those memories, some good, some bad, but I do not want to forget.

The mass continued and they sang some of the songs that they usually sing at masses when someone has passed. Those songs always get to me. They also gave single long stems roses to everyone that was there as a remembrance. It was just a touching mass all around.

After the mass they had refreshments in the parish center. We went and signed their mailing list so we could get notified of other such events as it isn't our parish, but a nearby one. As we were sitting the priest who said mass came over and introduced himself. We got to tell him our story and I appreciated that he listened. He acknowledged the fact that I was pretty far along and for that I was grateful. Many people don't even think about it. We told him that we do have pictures and he asked how the hospital was. He heard our whole story, slightly abbreviated while he sat and spoke to us. It felt good to talk about it to him. I think that John and I will make this a tradition.

Friday, June 12, 2009

So much to say...

Today was the last day at school with the students. The next two weeks they have finals and regents exams. I got to spend the day without a voice. Ironically being the speech-language pathologist. I am anxious for this school year to be completely done. I need a change of pace, something different. I feel burnt out this year. I made a decision that next year I am taking care of me. I am not doing any extra-curricular activities and I will stay for events only if I want to. I am not going to feel pressured into doing anything. I need to do this for me. I am hoping that I will be pregnant and I don't need the added stress either.

As far as that goes...I am not pregnant yet, which is good because apparently although my doctor said we could start trying, he didn't want me pregnant yet. Now it is really official, so last month I suppose was just practice. His advice was great, he said, almost word for word. Don't worry (to which I laughed at) You need to have sex like you did when you first met, the best babies are conceived after a bottle of champagne in a hot tub. Seriously, go to Meehan's have a few drinks, go home and have sex. See you in three months or your first pre-natal visit. I hope it is the later.

I had to cancel my appointment with my therapist yesterday because I was sick. I didn't want to get her sick seeing as she has an infant at home. It was my first session since she has come back from her leave. So, my big question is...How do you not worry? I am a worrier by nature. I worry about lots of things, but I try to balance the worry. That is what I am going to do now. I just don't know how to do it. I like to know things and have information. I feel well equipped with information. I know that there aren't exact answers to any of this, but if there were just some things I could know it would help.

The weather continues to be horrible as well, but my newest thought on that is...

You need to have the rain in order to have the rainbows. I am just hoping that there is a really big rainbow after all this. I could use that right now...

Sunday, June 7, 2009

It is posted a little late....

Today (June 4th) is the day that Lia Rose should have entered the world. Well according to the charts in the doctor’s office. Unfortunately she entered the world 5 months earlier on January 2, 2009. I am so far doing better than I thought today. I had some people remember what today was this morning and gave me big hugs. I didn’t completely breakdown! That was what happened on Monday and Tuesday. Today I am trying to look to the future. I am trying to be positive. Will there be tears? I am sure that is inevitable, but I will not wallow in my grief. I will try to be positive today. This won’t get posted until later so I suppose I can let you know how I do.

Yesterday I came home with an incredible tension headache. I got home around 7:00 ate dinner and by 7:30 I was probably sleeping. Muscle relaxers and Advil can do the trick. I slept pretty much straight through and boy did I need it. My head is on the verge of hurting today, but I am almost willing it not to.
I came home to a nice surprise though. It made me laugh and cry all at the same time. I got a package from my best friend Lisa. In that package were random things that made me smile and some to make me cry, but not those sad tears of grief. They are the tears that come when someone does something that touches you deep within your soul. The kind of tears that help to clean out those sad feelings and the kind that help you to heal. In that package was a book, a DVD and chocolate a funny sign and a card with a heartfelt note, (that was the first thing that made me cry). That package also contained something very special. In a little gold box, the box itself is perfect, with a butterfly and a rose on it, was a gold ring with a rose. This box and ring belonged to Lisa’s grandmother who recently passed away. She said that she saw it and knew that I should have it. It is something that I will cherish forever. The ring is several sizes too big for me, but I love it any way. The thoughtfulness of that gesture warms me through. Most people are truly amazing! The miles may separate Lisa and I, the whole country between us, but I know that in our hearts we are right next to each other. Helping each other through the crumby times in life and there for the happy ones.

I am a strong person! I will get through today! I will get through the week, the month, the year! It will not be without help though. I can get frustrated because so often people do not understand, but those that do have truly helped me. I can do this! I will do this! I have to do this! There is no place to go but forward. I hope that the future holds wonderful and good things. I hope that I will be blessed shortly with a son or daughter, a brother or sister for Lia Rose. I hope that I will continue to find joy in the small things and continue to see Lia in the beauty and wonder of the world.

(I did do just fine...I had my moments, but I managed through them. I am a better person because of it.)

Friday, June 5, 2009

Rainbows and Clovers

What a week so far! I think this will be broken down into more than one post. This week was the first week in June, the week that my baby girl Lia Rose was due. The last sonogram I had of her on January 1, 2009 gave her due date as June 1st. The doctors gave a due date of June 4th. Needless to say it has been a difficult and trying week.

June 1st was a difficult day all around. I couldn’t concentrate at work. I just wanted to be surrounded with the things that I love and wished I was not at work. Thankfully the people that I was with were great and two of them have been through similar experiences with a late loss. That has proven incredibly helpful. It is refreshing to see people who have overcome and have children and have been in a similar situation. The grief is overwhelming sometimes and then sometimes there is something happens that can make me smile through the tears.

June 2nd was possibly more difficult than June 1st. An unwanted monthly visitor decided to show up. We are trying so I was really hoping for something to look forward to. This was not the month though. Maybe I needed to get through this part without being pregnant again. Maybe it is so that I can look at the next pregnancy and not think about the fact that I found out the week Lia should have been due. I can make up all sorts of reasons, I am sure I could come up with something for every month. Now all I can say is maybe next month. Back to WAITING and you know how I feel about that right now.

June 2nd did have some smile through the tears moments. I had a terrible day at work. I decided that I was not pretending to be ok. When someone asked, “Are you OK?” I politely said, “NO, I should have been due this week.” I had to, I couldn’t make it through unless I could speak those words, at least that it what it felt like. My principal saw me and popped into my room and was so supportive and wonderful. That truly helps to make it easier. I don’t feel the pressures of the work day and know if I need a break, I can take it. Oh…but the smile through the tears moments…let me get to those.

I was walking in from work, my eyes welled with tears, searching for my keys. I looked down and spotted a patch of clovers and right there staring at me was one with 4 leaves. I picked it up and smiled at the heavens through my tears and thanked my little angel. I then taped it and put it in a journal of randomness that I am keeping. That evening John and I had tickets for a Phish concert. We are going to three shows this week. Anyway, the concert was at Jones Beach Theater, seeing as we love the beach it is a great atmosphere for us. It had rained pretty heavily prior to us arriving and as we were sitting in our seats I watched two rainbows surface in the sky. I pointed them out to John and said, “I think that it is Lia Rose shining down on us, letting us know that everything is going to be ok.” John agreed! It is amazing how you can turn these things into something with so much meaning. I now see Lia Rose in all the beauty and wonder of the world. I think that is a blessing.

The Phish concert was great. I had my moments of teary eyes, but it was so good to just get lost in music. To let go and just feel music running through my blood. It was a great set and I soaked up all the good energy. I am hoping tonight’s show will be even better!