Friday, April 24, 2009

Bitter sweet coincidences...

I will start with the difficult first. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. I had three friends all give birth to baby girls. I should have been due in about 6 weeks and they were probably the closest to my due date. It was tough. My thought is, "How can you be happy for someone when you are so sad for yourself?" I know that I am happy for my friends, but I can't help wishing that I too was in their shoes, like I should have been in just about 6 weeks from now. I am however kind of glad that they were all on the same day, it made for one really, really tough day as opposed to a few tough days. So to my friends who have given birth...I am so happy for you, but if you saw me I am not sure you would really be convinced. I am pretty sure that my therapist would tell me that it is a perfectly normal way to feel, ironically she is out on maternity leave. So...That was the bitter sweet part because that is just what it is to me. I know that I will be there soon, hopefully very soon, but my friends children will be the constant reminder of what I don't have. It is difficult, but I know that with TIME (there is that word again that I am really beginning to dislike) it will all get better. It will never go away...

Now onto the coincidence part, although the above could be a coincidence too seeing as they were all born on the same day. I had my doctors appointment on Monday. The good news is that John and I can start trying in the middle of next month. I had to schedule an annual appointment that we wanted to do at the end of May, but there were no appointments available so it is for June 1st. When John and I got to the car I looked at a calendar and realized that if by some miracle we get pregnant on the first try, June 1st would be the day that I can test. There is another part to this coincidence...The day before the miscarriage I had a sonogram and they told me the due date was June 1st based on her size.

I guess in a way, I would feel like she had a hand in it if it did happen to work out like that. Right now, I am really hoping that it does, I am not counting on it, but hoping. I need something to hope for and to me, right now, that is perfect. I would feel like my little angel was making things work for her mommy.

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all.
~Emily Dickinson

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

overly sensitive or insensitive...

So, as I am going through this there are certain things that bother me now more than they have before. Some of them have always bothered me, but maybe not to the same degree. The other day, I saw a mother yelling at her child, who appeared to be doing not much wrong and that bothered me. I see parents who just seem so mean to their kids and I was always bothered by it, but now it just strikes a new nerve.

Then, there are my friends with children, and I know that they do not do any of this on purpose, so I do try to remember it. There is only so much that I can take for now though. I am sure that this will change in the future, but for now it is hard. I sat through lunch the other day and listened to a friend complain for quite some time about how there is just no time to do anything since the baby was born. There's no time to clean or go to the doctor or go food shopping and how difficult it was to do anything with the baby. I thought to myself, "Do you realize what I would do to be in your shoes right now?" I don't know what made her finally say, "I should stop complaining now." I wonder if it was the tears that were welling up in my eyes. I wish I could have said something to let her know how hard it was to listen to, but I couldn't and didn't. Often people don't realize the impact what they are saying has until you let them know. I know it was not done on purpose, but I just wish that sometimes others would think about it. It is hard because to them, this happened and it is over. To me, it is a very real part of my life every day.

A day does not go by when I don't think about all the things that should have been. I also wonder about all the things that will be. To others it was something that happened and it is over, many don't really think about it much any more. I do and will for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Pennies from Heaven

I found a penny today,
just laying on the ground.
But it is not just a penny,
this little coin I found.
Found pennies come from heaven,
that's what my Grandpa told me.
He said Angels toss then down,
oh how I loved that story.
He said when an Angel misses you,
they toss a penny down.
Sometimes just to cheer you up,
make a smile out of your frown.
So don't pass by that penny
when you're feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven,
that an Angel's tossed to you.
Author Unknown

As a little girl, my grandmother would find pennies everywhere. My brother and I would find the quarters, nickels and dimes. I am sure now that she saw those too, but let us find them. She would tell us "See a penny pick it up and all day long you'll have good luck." Since my grandmother has passed away I find pennies everywhere and sometimes at moments when I really need them.

Since Lia Rose has become an angel, I often find my pennies in pairs now. I also find them at some moments that have been difficult or need reassurance that things are going to be ok. I found one on the floor in the changing room after my MRI, it wasn't there before and it was perfect timing. I also found one on the day of a district wide special education meeting when I would have to see the teacher who is due two days before I was. I found it right before I was going to walk into the room, I knew I would get through, but that time it didn't make it any easier. Yesterday, as I was signing in at the doctors office John spotted one under the reception area. I thought to myself "this is going to be a good visit"

I think of those pennies as reminders and I really do find one almost everyday many times more than one. I find them now and most times they bring a little smile to my face, sometimes a tear to my eye. It is amazing when I find them too. I like to think of my Grandma and Lia Rose playing a game to see who can send the most or put them in the best places.

Pennies from Heaven make me smile!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Answers and good days

Last night I got a message from the doctor that told me the rest of the blood work came back normal. I think to myself "how can that be? There has to be an answer to all the bizarre stuff that happened." I am an answers type of person, I feel better when I understand and to not have an answer to what happened with the blood clotting bothers me. The doctor is just so nice and compassionate though. I feel really good about him. I go on Monday and I have a lot of questions. We'll see what kind of news that brings.

It brought a really good day to a pretty good end because really I am glad that the blood work is normal because that means I don't have to give myself shots throughout my pregnancy. Yesterday was fantastic! It was one of the first days in a long time that I felt carefree and just about myself. I did have the thought that there was only one thing that could have made yesterday any better and I don't think that I have to even say what that is.

We stopped in South Hampton and found this great little store that I spent way too much money in, but John was in the mood to spoil me a little...or a was nice to splurge on something for myself that was totally unnecessary. We then were in East Hampton I believe and we exchanged my Valentine's day gift at Tiffany's. It was very fun to shop there, I got a pretty new Paloma Picasso ring, it is an open Heart and John says that it matches my personality. I think that he may be right.

We went to the lighthouse which wasn't opened, but the beach was great there. Surfers out on the water big waves and sunshine...Perfect! It was just a really great day, nice to forget about the bad things that have happened and feel like you can have fun. Today should be another good one! Time will tell! (I fell like that is the quote of the year for me)

Thursday, April 16, 2009

A Different Child

A Different Child

A different child, People notice,
There's a special glow around you.
You grow, Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy,
In your mother's and father's eyes.
And sometimes between the smiles,
There's a trace of tears.
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand,
There once was another child.
A different child.
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.
That child will never keep them up at night.
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment.
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious,
How infinitely fragile,
Is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman,
You may see another mother's tears,
Another father's silent grief.
Then you, and you alone
Will understand.
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I am only here because
my mother tried again."

- Pandora Diane Waldron

Monday, April 13, 2009


I was crying yesterday before the mass even started. I miss Lia Rose so much and the holidays just seem to magnify it. I sat in church and thought many things. I thought first that I have faith because I believe that Lia Rose must be in a better place. I can't stand to think of her not being someplace better. I also like to think that one day we will be together in someplace wonderful.

The part that I come to question is WHY??? Why did this happen to us? Why did it happen now? Why, when we were ready and it was great didn't it work? Why her? Why at 18 weeks? Why did I have fibroids? Why couldn't anything be done? Why couldn't it have happened later? Why did the surgery have complications? Why did I have to go through all that as well? Why is life so cruel? Those are the questions that I ask myself and I guess that I didn't really realize it until recently. It has all been so much to absorb and take it. So much to deal with. It isn't so much questioning the existence of God, but why God does things like this.

John believes that Lia Rose saved my life, but I am not sure I ever thought that my life was in danger. I wish that I could believe that like he does, that she sacrificed her little tiny body to save me. I guess I have some trouble with it. John believes that these fibroids may have caused more problems than we would like to think about. To me they have already caused enough. I suppose that through all this the thought of losing him only came into my mind once, when he was driving to the hospital after the phone call at 2AM. I think he struggled with thinking about losing me a few times. I can't really imagine what that was like. I wasn't afraid of losing my life in surgery or any other time. My fear was losing my uterus and not being able to create the one thing that I want the most right now.

All of this just brings so much into question that we may never have the answers to. The problem with that is I like answers. I have a need to know about what is happening and why. It is kind of like if I can read it and know what is happening to me then I can understand it much better. I guess I am having a tough time not knowing the answers to why this happened. I hope that maybe someday I will understand, but I know that day may never come. Until then I have to have faith that there is something greater than us out there and that one day a long time from now I will know what that is.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Tough days

Yesterday we went to visit Lia Rose at the cemetery. Every time I am there all I can think of is "this is so unfair, we shouldn't be at the cemetery visiting our baby girl!" It is comforting to be able to go, but it doesn't get any easier. It is and I have a feeling always will be hard. I am so glad that we have someplace to go. We put a palm cross there last week, and my mom and dad put a pink rose there. I miss her so much.

I still get so sad sometimes especially on rainy days, like today. Those are the days that are the most difficult for me. I need the sunshine right now, I need it more than I ever have. I think it is just a sign for me of good things when the sun is out. I try to think of the rain as washing away the bad and the beginning of better things, but it is hard. I just want to be out in the sun.

I am walking in the March for Babies and I am getting excited about it. I am not sure how I am going to do, but John will be there and so will my parents and my brother and a friend from HS. I have raised so much money so far. More than I ever thought that I would. I am truly touched by the generosity of others and how many people have been touched by this. I cry happy tears and it has been a while since that has happened. My brother is going to make t-shirts for us that have the quote"

"At one glance I loved you with a thousand hearts"

-Mihri Hatun

That will be on the back of the shirt...and on the front of the shirt will be in loving memory of Lia Rose January 2, 2009 and her foot print in the actual size...which is tiny, but possibly the cutest little foot print I have ever seen.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The generosity of others

The value of a man resides in what he gives and not in what he is capable of receiving.” Albert Einstein

I am truly overwhelmed at the generosity of others. I am walking in the March for Babies on April 26th. The generosity of my friends and family has truly been amazing. I feel strongly about this and want to do something that will honor Lia Rose as well as possibly start a tradition. I started with a small goal of 150$ and reached that within a day. I then raised it to 300$ and reached that as well. I raised it to 500$ and I am almost there. Maybe I will bump it up again. John and a friend from high school have officially joined my team. I hope to be able to raise even more money for this cause and make Lia Rose proud.

I am proud of my friends and family for supporting me in this cause. I hope that it will help me to make the short life of Lia Rose even more worthwhile. I know that she has made a huge difference in my life and now she will be able to make a difference in others by helping to save babies who are born prematurely. Maybe in a few years from now a baby born when Lia was will be able to be saved.

I am proud to walk for Lia Rose!

Monday, April 6, 2009

~We are forever changed for having known the gift that was you. We miss you terribly and who you would have been, But we are much better people because you have touched our lives... if only for a brief moment..~

I think that this quote says it all. We are better people for having known Lia Rose if only for a brief moment. The first time I felt her move was on the day before she became an angel. I felt her moving all night long. We loved her from the moment we knew we were having her.

We planned and thought about the future and what we would do and how we would be. We talked about what kind of parents we would be, and how we would act. We thought about family gatherings with our new little baby. We thought how exciting it would be for our families and for us. I remember hanging ornaments on the tree this year and thinking next year we will be doing this with a baby and I was so excited about that. In an instant all your hopes and dreams for you child are crushed. You will always think about what could have been and should have been.

We are definitely better people because of Lia Rose. I know that I am more compassionate and I think I better able to be there for friends and family who are in need. She has taught us so much about ourselves and others. She has brought us closer to people and showed us the kindness of strangers. In so many ways we are better having known her only briefly. She will be missed greatly, always.

Rainy Monday

I know that April showers bring May flowers, but I am in some serious need of sunshine! I love to see everything getting green and growing, but a string of sunny days would be really nice. The weather completely impacts how I feel. I can get myself through a sunny day much easier than a cold and rainy one. That's just the way it is right now.

I was listening to a Christina Aguilera, yes you read it correctly, CD in the car and the song "I Turn to You" came on. It made me cry, not because it reminded me of Lia Rose, but because it reminded me of John. He has been part of my strength through this and really helping me through. The lyrics are:

"I Turn To You" Christina Aguilera

When I'm lost in the rain,
In your eyes I know I'll find the light
To light my way.
And when I'm scared,
And losing ground,
When my world is going crazy,
You can turn it all around.
And when I'm down you're there
- pushing me to the top.
You're always there,
giving me all you've got.
For a shield from the storm,
For a friend, for a love
to keep me safe and warm
I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong,
For the will to carry on
For everything you do,
for everything that's true
I turn to you.
When I lose the will to win,
I just reach for you and
I can reach the sky again.
I can do anything
'Cause your love is so amazing,
'Cause your love inspires me.
And when I need a friend,
You're always on my side
Giving me faith
taking me through the night
For a shield from the storm,
For a friend, for a love
to keep me safe and warm
I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong,
For the will to carry on
For everything you do,
for everything that's true
I turn to you.
For the arms to be my shelter
through all the rain,
For truth that will never change,
For someone to lean on,
For a heart I can rely on through anything,
For that one who I can run to...
For a shield from the storm,
For a friend, for a love
to keep me safe and warm
I turn to you
For the strength to be strong,
For the will to carry on
For everything you do,
for everything that's true
I turn to you.
For a shield from the storm,
For a friend, for a love
to keep me safe and warm
I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong,
For the will to carry on
For everything you do,
for everything that's true
I turn to you.
I turn to you...

I appropriate that it is pouring rain as I listened to it. I know that we will get through this because we have each other. We have the love and support of family and friends. When something like this happens it often drives couples apart, but it has made us even closer. He often knows what I am thinking before I even say it and that is more prevalent now than it was before. He is truly amazing and I could not and would not want to go through this with anyone else by my side. Through the miscarriage and the surgery he has been there doing whatever I need and ask, always questions asked.

I will never forget having to make the phone call to him in the hospital telling him that we lost our baby. Thinking oh God...he has to drive here at 2 in the morning by himself...please just let him make it there. From the moment I called him til the moment he walked in the door I could think about nothing else other than him getting there. He walked in a saw me and said "I just hoped you had a nightmare." I truly wish that I did and that I could have woken up and everything was fine and he was just sitting next to me. We were strong together and we will continue to be strong together. We have to be, we have no choice.

In the hospital he had to sign the form for my second surgery. You sign off on the paperwork and think this is just a formality I am not going to have to make any decisions. I needed to go in for the second surgery and he had to sign off on it. He turned to me after getting off the phone with the urologist and said, "Do you want me to sign this?" I thought to want to lay here bleeding and said "YES!" I think that he never thought in a million years that he would have sign that paper. I am really glad that he did though.

I am very thankful have him in my life!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

First week back

Well, I made it through my first week back and I survived. It was good to have a sense of normalcy, whatever that is now. I was more tired than I had expected, but I have never been home from work that long either. I got used to getting up and then going back to sleep. I am doing better and better though. I had some weird pain on Friday, and after panicking and calling the doctor and then telling me that it was probably normal, I decided that it was probably my body doing exactly what it should be doing...Getting me ready to have another baby one of these days.

I made it through yet another second of the month and didn't completely break down. It was tougher this month than last though. I think because last month I was so focused on the surgery that I didn't have time to think about much else. Lately I seem to be thinking about the trauma of the situation when I lost Lia Rose. I hope that as time passes that memory gets harder to remember clearly. It isn't something that I really want to remember clearly. As soon as I think that, I try to remember the moment that we held her in her arms and how we fell in love with each tiny part of her.

I will be walking in the March for Babies with the March of Dimes this year. I want to do it to honor Lia Rose, but also for all my other friends who have lost babies. I hope that it can help make a difference somewhere. I am so grateful for those who have been so generous already. It truly is amazing. I am already more than halfway to my goal, albeit wasn't a lofty goal.

The whole on-line fundraising thing is actually pretty nice. It makes it easier and gives people an option to choose without feeling necessarily obligated. I used to hate asking people in person for donations. It is a cause that I really do believe in.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

ones and twos

The 1st and 2nd of the month are always hard days for me since this has happened. The 1st is the day that I was admitted to the hospital thinking that I would be leaving in a few days with my baby still inside. The 2nd is the day that I lost her. Sometimes it is still so hard to believe that it is all real and that this has all happened. I miss her so much.

Today at work I saw one of the girls who is newly pregnant and my eyes welled up in tears. It is hard for me and knowing that is what I want so bad and I am still not allowed to yet is hard. At the same time I don't feel like I am ready, but it seems that the self-imposed is easier to deal with for me. I don't necessarily want to get pregnant right now, but knowing that I cannot is hard. I know that my time will be here soon and hopefully I will be pregnant again soon, but as I have learned pretty well this year, there are no guarantees in life. I can hope though. I am still holding on to the hope that I found on the classroom floor.

Tomorrow will be 3 months since we have lost Lia Rose. It has gotten easier, but I am still sad. My moments of sadness are less and they don't last as long. I know that I am doing ok, but when I have those steps backwards it is hard. You have forward motion for so long and then you get some steps back. Last month I think that I didn't think about it so much with the surgery coming up. That was my main focus, this month that is behind me and it gives you time to think about why you needed the surgery in the first place.
"May every sunrise hold more promise, every moonrise hold more peace."

I am hopeful!