car rides and songs

This morning as I was driving into work I had a moment. It really just lasted a little while and then I was pretty good for the rest of the day. When that happens it makes me realize that I really am mostly OK and am able to carry on with my daily life. I get sad and that is the bottom line and it comes from nowhere sometimes and other times there is something that sparks it. Today, something sparked it.

I have a pen-pal (now email pal) that I have been writing to since the 3rd grade. We have never met, but we have kept in touch through the years. Sometimes more often and sometimes less often. I had sent her a Christmas card with a note in it that I was expecting and when I was due. After I had the miscarriage I tried to contact her, but she must have changed her e-mail address because it kept getting sent back to me. I heard from her this morning and in her e-mail she congratulated me and said it must be any day now. She was right, it should have been any day now. I wrote her back explaining what happened, it brought back those memories when I was writing it. I suppose that while I was on my way to work I was thinking about how I was going to respond to her. I knew that any response would have made her feel bad, but I had to let her know the situation. It is always awkward to tell someone who doesn't know what happened. It happened a couple of times at work with some people there.


When I was almost at work the Jack Johnson song If I could came on. There is a line in the song that states, "They say that new life makes losing life easier to understand." I thought to myself, what if that lost life was a new life? It doesn't make it any easier to understand at all. It is so much more difficult to understand that. Your grieving process is so different.

I grieve for my grandmother and think about the things that she wasn't here for, but then she lived her whole life and saw so much. I have memories of her from so many events in my life. When you lose a new life you grieve for what you don't have and the memories that you can't make. I will never get to hear Lia say her first words or take her first steps. I will never see her off on her first day of school. These are memories that I don't have, but I long for them. Yes, there will be other babies, I know this in my heart, but they will not be Lia. I will always know that Lia should have been ______ this year. (Fill in whatever milestone you wish). I also know that if I did not lose Lia, my next child may not be here. It is hard to think about it sometimes. In my day dreams I can picture Lia growing to be a beautiful little girl, but that is not reality. I will never see Lia Rose grow up, again that is a memory that I will never have. I do not get to look back and remember her childhood when I am older. I get to think of all the things that should have been. She cannot be replaced, she will always be my first child.

Difficult

I am having a tough few weeks. With all the progress and all the forward motion I have made I feel like I have taken several steps back. I suppose there has still been forward motion though. Again, three steps forward one step back. I would like to get off the roller coaster ride of emotions that I have been on. I’d like the roller coaster to stop in happy oblivion land, but I know that it not possible. I am not sure that I will be in happy oblivion land anymore. I can no longer be in a “happy oblivion.” It was taken away from me early in the AM of January 2, 2009. I knew that the next few weeks would be difficult, but I guess I was not prepared for how difficult they would be. I just feel sad lately. I don’t necessarily want to feel sad, but I am not sure how to “un-sad” myself. I am hoping for a refresh this weekend, maybe that is what I need. Last weekend ended with Mother’s Day and a meltdown for me on Sunday night. It wasn’t so refreshing after that. Maybe this weekend will be different.



I have been thinking about what should have been coming 3 weeks from Thursday(officially) and being hopeful about what will be. How do you balance it all? There is just so much on my mind. I am trying to relax about it, but I don’t think that I was relaxed about anything the first time. How can I be relaxed about it now?

People forget, people don’t realize that every day is still hard for me. Their lives go on as usual, but mine is forever changed by what has happened. I am so grateful for the people who do remember and who, although have never been in my shoes seem to understand. Many people forget. That is something that is difficult for me.

I know there is hope inside somewhere because I can see myself as a parent, but right now that seems like the distant future. It feels like a child playing the mother. Will it happen? When will it happen? Will I have to wait a long time? I want a family. I want a brother or sister for Lia Rose. I want to feel the joy of having a child and not the pain of losing one. Is it so much to ask for? I don’t think that it is.

The "first" Mother's Day

I did it! I made it through my “first” mother’s day. I say that it is my first because I am a mother. I have a child who is buried in a cemetery near my house. Her name is Lia Rose Grande. She was born and sent to heaven on January 2, 2009. Does this make me any less of a mother? I gave birth to a baby, a perfect little baby, who was not strong enough or big enough to survive in this world. I did one of the hardest things a mother will have to do, which is lose a child. I held that perfect little baby and fell in love, a love that was so strong that it truly amazes me. And then I think….

In Sunday Mass yesterday during the Ave Maria, I cried. I cried for my daughter, I cried for my husband, I cried for me. I also thought what a paradox. My daughter could have been born any day now, instead we are trying again. The other paradox is that right now, birth to me is not associated with new life, it is associated with loss. The innocence has been taken away like the ground being pulled from under my feet. Birth and rebirth are all associated with new-life and new beginnings. I could look at it as a new beginning which would be “Life after Lia” but somehow that just doesn’t seem right. I mean it is a different life for me now, but it isn’t a new life. I don’t feel reborn, I feel a bit beaten down.

I talked with my mom yesterday who tries very hard to understand, but really can’t. She has never been in my position. She has never lost a baby. I do my best to explain to her, but it is still tough. I know that she wants to take my pain away, but she can’t. No one can! I don’t want anyone to anyway. It will evolve and one day the pain won’t be so great. My mother told me that next year there will be a sister for Lia Rose. I really want to believe that, but right now I am having a tough time. I am trying to stay so positive, but it is quite difficult. I told my mother that I could just not be sure that would happen. I never had thoughts like that before Lia Rose. Now I just have an endless amount of questions. Will this happen again? Will I be able to conceive? What if I am not able to conceive? Can I go through something like this again? Am I strong enough? These questions never occurred to me before Lia Rose, but they occur to me now in “Life after Lia.”

Today at our church there is a special mass for couples trying to conceive. It couldn’t have come at a better time since we are starting to try this week. We are going to go. I could use some extra blessings. I just want it to work!

PS

I have previously written about pennies from heaven and if I believe in that, then I have to believe that 10$ bills from heaven are even better. My husband and I were in 7-11 yesterday morning getting cups of coffee. He went to pay and when I looked down I saw a bill on the floor. I picked it up and went to hand it to him because I thought he had dropped it. He just looked at me and said, "That was Lia Rose letting you know that she is thinking about you today." I knew at that moment that I really had to try to have a good day. I think all things considered I did ok.