I am having a tough few weeks. With all the progress and all the forward motion I have made I feel like I have taken several steps back. I suppose there has still been forward motion though. Again, three steps forward one step back. I would like to get off the roller coaster ride of emotions that I have been on. I’d like the roller coaster to stop in happy oblivion land, but I know that it not possible. I am not sure that I will be in happy oblivion land anymore. I can no longer be in a “happy oblivion.” It was taken away from me early in the AM of January 2, 2009. I knew that the next few weeks would be difficult, but I guess I was not prepared for how difficult they would be. I just feel sad lately. I don’t necessarily want to feel sad, but I am not sure how to “un-sad” myself. I am hoping for a refresh this weekend, maybe that is what I need. Last weekend ended with Mother’s Day and a meltdown for me on Sunday night. It wasn’t so refreshing after that. Maybe this weekend will be different.
I have been thinking about what should have been coming 3 weeks from Thursday(officially) and being hopeful about what will be. How do you balance it all? There is just so much on my mind. I am trying to relax about it, but I don’t think that I was relaxed about anything the first time. How can I be relaxed about it now?
People forget, people don’t realize that every day is still hard for me. Their lives go on as usual, but mine is forever changed by what has happened. I am so grateful for the people who do remember and who, although have never been in my shoes seem to understand. Many people forget. That is something that is difficult for me.
I know there is hope inside somewhere because I can see myself as a parent, but right now that seems like the distant future. It feels like a child playing the mother. Will it happen? When will it happen? Will I have to wait a long time? I want a family. I want a brother or sister for Lia Rose. I want to feel the joy of having a child and not the pain of losing one. Is it so much to ask for? I don’t think that it is.