Today (June 4th) is the day that Lia Rose should have entered the world. Well according to the charts in the doctor’s office. Unfortunately she entered the world 5 months earlier on January 2, 2009. I am so far doing better than I thought today. I had some people remember what today was this morning and gave me big hugs. I didn’t completely breakdown! That was what happened on Monday and Tuesday. Today I am trying to look to the future. I am trying to be positive. Will there be tears? I am sure that is inevitable, but I will not wallow in my grief. I will try to be positive today. This won’t get posted until later so I suppose I can let you know how I do.
Yesterday I came home with an incredible tension headache. I got home around 7:00 ate dinner and by 7:30 I was probably sleeping. Muscle relaxers and Advil can do the trick. I slept pretty much straight through and boy did I need it. My head is on the verge of hurting today, but I am almost willing it not to.
I came home to a nice surprise though. It made me laugh and cry all at the same time. I got a package from my best friend Lisa. In that package were random things that made me smile and some to make me cry, but not those sad tears of grief. They are the tears that come when someone does something that touches you deep within your soul. The kind of tears that help to clean out those sad feelings and the kind that help you to heal. In that package was a book, a DVD and chocolate a funny sign and a card with a heartfelt note, (that was the first thing that made me cry). That package also contained something very special. In a little gold box, the box itself is perfect, with a butterfly and a rose on it, was a gold ring with a rose. This box and ring belonged to Lisa’s grandmother who recently passed away. She said that she saw it and knew that I should have it. It is something that I will cherish forever. The ring is several sizes too big for me, but I love it any way. The thoughtfulness of that gesture warms me through. Most people are truly amazing! The miles may separate Lisa and I, the whole country between us, but I know that in our hearts we are right next to each other. Helping each other through the crumby times in life and there for the happy ones.
I am a strong person! I will get through today! I will get through the week, the month, the year! It will not be without help though. I can get frustrated because so often people do not understand, but those that do have truly helped me. I can do this! I will do this! I have to do this! There is no place to go but forward. I hope that the future holds wonderful and good things. I hope that I will be blessed shortly with a son or daughter, a brother or sister for Lia Rose. I hope that I will continue to find joy in the small things and continue to see Lia in the beauty and wonder of the world.
(I did do just fine...I had my moments, but I managed through them. I am a better person because of it.)