Friday, June 5, 2009

Rainbows and Clovers

What a week so far! I think this will be broken down into more than one post. This week was the first week in June, the week that my baby girl Lia Rose was due. The last sonogram I had of her on January 1, 2009 gave her due date as June 1st. The doctors gave a due date of June 4th. Needless to say it has been a difficult and trying week.

June 1st was a difficult day all around. I couldn’t concentrate at work. I just wanted to be surrounded with the things that I love and wished I was not at work. Thankfully the people that I was with were great and two of them have been through similar experiences with a late loss. That has proven incredibly helpful. It is refreshing to see people who have overcome and have children and have been in a similar situation. The grief is overwhelming sometimes and then sometimes there is something happens that can make me smile through the tears.

June 2nd was possibly more difficult than June 1st. An unwanted monthly visitor decided to show up. We are trying so I was really hoping for something to look forward to. This was not the month though. Maybe I needed to get through this part without being pregnant again. Maybe it is so that I can look at the next pregnancy and not think about the fact that I found out the week Lia should have been due. I can make up all sorts of reasons, I am sure I could come up with something for every month. Now all I can say is maybe next month. Back to WAITING and you know how I feel about that right now.

June 2nd did have some smile through the tears moments. I had a terrible day at work. I decided that I was not pretending to be ok. When someone asked, “Are you OK?” I politely said, “NO, I should have been due this week.” I had to, I couldn’t make it through unless I could speak those words, at least that it what it felt like. My principal saw me and popped into my room and was so supportive and wonderful. That truly helps to make it easier. I don’t feel the pressures of the work day and know if I need a break, I can take it. Oh…but the smile through the tears moments…let me get to those.

I was walking in from work, my eyes welled with tears, searching for my keys. I looked down and spotted a patch of clovers and right there staring at me was one with 4 leaves. I picked it up and smiled at the heavens through my tears and thanked my little angel. I then taped it and put it in a journal of randomness that I am keeping. That evening John and I had tickets for a Phish concert. We are going to three shows this week. Anyway, the concert was at Jones Beach Theater, seeing as we love the beach it is a great atmosphere for us. It had rained pretty heavily prior to us arriving and as we were sitting in our seats I watched two rainbows surface in the sky. I pointed them out to John and said, “I think that it is Lia Rose shining down on us, letting us know that everything is going to be ok.” John agreed! It is amazing how you can turn these things into something with so much meaning. I now see Lia Rose in all the beauty and wonder of the world. I think that is a blessing.

The Phish concert was great. I had my moments of teary eyes, but it was so good to just get lost in music. To let go and just feel music running through my blood. It was a great set and I soaked up all the good energy. I am hoping tonight’s show will be even better!

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