I was crying yesterday before the mass even started. I miss Lia Rose so much and the holidays just seem to magnify it. I sat in church and thought many things. I thought first that I have faith because I believe that Lia Rose must be in a better place. I can't stand to think of her not being someplace better. I also like to think that one day we will be together in someplace wonderful.
The part that I come to question is WHY??? Why did this happen to us? Why did it happen now? Why, when we were ready and it was great didn't it work? Why her? Why at 18 weeks? Why did I have fibroids? Why couldn't anything be done? Why couldn't it have happened later? Why did the surgery have complications? Why did I have to go through all that as well? Why is life so cruel? Those are the questions that I ask myself and I guess that I didn't really realize it until recently. It has all been so much to absorb and take it. So much to deal with. It isn't so much questioning the existence of God, but why God does things like this.
John believes that Lia Rose saved my life, but I am not sure I ever thought that my life was in danger. I wish that I could believe that like he does, that she sacrificed her little tiny body to save me. I guess I have some trouble with it. John believes that these fibroids may have caused more problems than we would like to think about. To me they have already caused enough. I suppose that through all this the thought of losing him only came into my mind once, when he was driving to the hospital after the phone call at 2AM. I think he struggled with thinking about losing me a few times. I can't really imagine what that was like. I wasn't afraid of losing my life in surgery or any other time. My fear was losing my uterus and not being able to create the one thing that I want the most right now.
All of this just brings so much into question that we may never have the answers to. The problem with that is I like answers. I have a need to know about what is happening and why. It is kind of like if I can read it and know what is happening to me then I can understand it much better. I guess I am having a tough time not knowing the answers to why this happened. I hope that maybe someday I will understand, but I know that day may never come. Until then I have to have faith that there is something greater than us out there and that one day a long time from now I will know what that is.