Wednesday, April 1, 2009

ones and twos

The 1st and 2nd of the month are always hard days for me since this has happened. The 1st is the day that I was admitted to the hospital thinking that I would be leaving in a few days with my baby still inside. The 2nd is the day that I lost her. Sometimes it is still so hard to believe that it is all real and that this has all happened. I miss her so much.

Today at work I saw one of the girls who is newly pregnant and my eyes welled up in tears. It is hard for me and knowing that is what I want so bad and I am still not allowed to yet is hard. At the same time I don't feel like I am ready, but it seems that the self-imposed is easier to deal with for me. I don't necessarily want to get pregnant right now, but knowing that I cannot is hard. I know that my time will be here soon and hopefully I will be pregnant again soon, but as I have learned pretty well this year, there are no guarantees in life. I can hope though. I am still holding on to the hope that I found on the classroom floor.

Tomorrow will be 3 months since we have lost Lia Rose. It has gotten easier, but I am still sad. My moments of sadness are less and they don't last as long. I know that I am doing ok, but when I have those steps backwards it is hard. You have forward motion for so long and then you get some steps back. Last month I think that I didn't think about it so much with the surgery coming up. That was my main focus, this month that is behind me and it gives you time to think about why you needed the surgery in the first place.
"May every sunrise hold more promise, every moonrise hold more peace."

I am hopeful!

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