I will start with the difficult first. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. I had three friends all give birth to baby girls. I should have been due in about 6 weeks and they were probably the closest to my due date. It was tough. My thought is, "How can you be happy for someone when you are so sad for yourself?" I know that I am happy for my friends, but I can't help wishing that I too was in their shoes, like I should have been in just about 6 weeks from now. I am however kind of glad that they were all on the same day, it made for one really, really tough day as opposed to a few tough days. So to my friends who have given birth...I am so happy for you, but if you saw me I am not sure you would really be convinced. I am pretty sure that my therapist would tell me that it is a perfectly normal way to feel, ironically she is out on maternity leave. So...That was the bitter sweet part because that is just what it is to me. I know that I will be there soon, hopefully very soon, but my friends children will be the constant reminder of what I don't have. It is difficult, but I know that with TIME (there is that word again that I am really beginning to dislike) it will all get better. It will never go away...
Now onto the coincidence part, although the above could be a coincidence too seeing as they were all born on the same day. I had my doctors appointment on Monday. The good news is that John and I can start trying in the middle of next month. I had to schedule an annual appointment that we wanted to do at the end of May, but there were no appointments available so it is for June 1st. When John and I got to the car I looked at a calendar and realized that if by some miracle we get pregnant on the first try, June 1st would be the day that I can test. There is another part to this coincidence...The day before the miscarriage I had a sonogram and they told me the due date was June 1st based on her size.
I guess in a way, I would feel like she had a hand in it if it did happen to work out like that. Right now, I am really hoping that it does, I am not counting on it, but hoping. I need something to hope for and to me, right now, that is perfect. I would feel like my little angel was making things work for her mommy.
Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson