Today was my first day back to work after almost four weeks off. I am exhausted, physically. I am achy all over. It was good to be back sort of. I mean having the "normal" routine is good, but staying home wasn't so bad once I could do some stuff. Here's the thing though...I do to work and I do my job and I love the kids, but, it's a job, and that's it. I do the best I can while I am there, but I don't let it get to me. It just isn't that important.
I am again staring down time in the face and sometimes I think that time is winning. I want it to pass and some days it does and some seem like forever. I have this warped sense of time as well. If you told me that the events of January 2nd happened two years ago I could very well believe that. If you told me that I was pregnant two years ago I could very well believe that too. Again I am waiting for time to pass. Time Time Time...Everything revolves around it and it is something that we have no control over. I guess if I just slept the days away that would help time pass, but that isn't the healthy thing to do and I know that. Partying 24-7 may also, but that wouldn't be too healthy either. Balance...A balance of everything. That is where I need to be and I suppose that I am there, but it doesn't make time move any faster. I've never wished so much time away and I have a feeling that I am going to be wishing it away until I have a baby in my arms to bring home.
The reality is that I am pretty scared to try again for so many reasons. I am glad that we have to wait to start until the end of May or early June. I am scared that this is going to happen again late like it did this time. I am scared that I am going to have an early miscarriage. I am scared that I am not going to get pregnant. I am scared. I want to try again though and I know that. These are fears that I have to come to terms with and they are not unreasonable fears. I cannot let them take control and that is where writing comes in. If I get it out and remind myself that these fears are ok and I can't let them take control of me then I will be ok. The fear can't win! It hasn't so far and hopefully it won't.
Well...back to work...there are 7 work days til vacation and 45 teaching days until the end of the year and 55 work days til school is done...not that I am counting.