Monday, March 23, 2009

Feeling better

I look back and I really can't believe all that has happened in the past 2 1/2 months. I was pregnant, and now I am not. I lost my baby girl and gained insight and friendships. I had surgery that was not what I bargained for and I am hopeful. I have tried to reflect on the positive rather than focus on the negative, but it is difficult sometimes. I think I am doing a pretty good job of it.

The emotional roller coaster seems to be a little less manic than it was. I still have my moments or hours, but they are not so bad. I still get sad, but I can be happy too. I can be happy and not feel bad about being happy which is a pretty good thing. My head is in a better place than it was before the surgery. I feel a huge relief to have gotten through the surgery and now am able to move forward. The surgery was a huge turning point for me. I now know that I am working toward my ultimate goal which is to have a baby. I am not sure when that will happen yet, or if I am even ready or will be ready when the doctor says I can, but just knowing that it is in my hands makes all the difference to me.

Right now I am healing both physically and emotionally. This whole situation has definitely taken its toll on me, but I truly believe that I am a better person because of it. Lia Rose has taught me about myself in so many ways in the short amount of time that I had her and I am grateful for that. She will always be remembered in my heart as my little angel. I miss her so much. I think about how I should have been feeling her kick inside me and when that used to make me want to cry, now it makes me sad, but somehow, I can crack a smile through that sadness. In my head I talk to her when I am alone. I tell her how I want to give her a brother or a sister and hopefully both, but not at the same time. I also tell her that I know she is watching over us, our very own guardian angel. These are things that 2 months ago were so hard for me to think about without tears coming to my eyes or sobbing for hours. Now, a tear may trickle, but I can move on. Life moves on, but it does not get forgotten.

I will remember Lia in all my friends who are having children this year. I will know that I could have had a child too. It is hard, but I am learning to deal with it. I wonder what it will be like when I have a child of my own, but still know that my baby girl should have been going to kindergarten or graduating from high school. I do not want a replacement for Lia, no one could replace her, but like I said, I want siblings for her. My children will grow up to know that they have a big sister in heaven looking out for them.

I miss her, but God had bigger plans for her.

"An angel opened the book of life
to write down our baby's birth
and whispered as the book was closed
too beautiful for this earth"

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