Monday, March 2, 2009

The waiting game

I have had ups and downs and rightly so. I take three steps forward and two steps back all the time. My friend Liz tells me that you are still taking a step forward though, and she is right. Today it is two months since we lost our baby girl Lia Rose. There have been many things that have happened since then. I have grown as a person in so many ways. I have learned that I am strong, much stronger than I ever thought that I could be. I thank my grandmother for that. I like to picture her and Lia playing in heaven.
Since this has happened I feel like I am in limbo. I am grieving a loss that many people do not even fully comprehend. It is hard for people who have not had this experience to fully understand. Medically we had a miscarriage, however, in two weeks it would have been considered a still birth. We would have gotten a death certificate. In my head, this was closer to a still birth. We held a perfect child and many people do truly understand that. I am waiting for surgery so that this does not happen again. I also have to wait before I can start to try again. I am playing the waiting game and time is my enemy. It does not want to budge!
I am fortunate to have such a great support system. The majority of people have been fantastic. They have been there with an ear or to take me out. People have sent flowers and cards and food. The support has been wonderful and much appreciated. It has really helped us to see the goodness in people and that they truly want to help. My friend Lindsay and her boyfriend drove down from Plymouth, Mass to spend less than 24 hours with us. They made sure that we went out and had fun.
Through this all I still wait. I wait for the sadness to lessen and the pain to get better. I wait to feel true happiness again. I wait and wait. I wait for my body to heal. I wait for my soul to heal. I wait for the MRI results and I wait for surgery. I wait for a new beginning. I am hoping that this surgery is a new beginning for me. It is the start of a new and much better chapter of my life and the close of a difficult and sad one. I wait to try again. I wait and wait and wait for what seems like a lifetime.

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